i think that liking a person can make you physically attracted to them. i didnt look at either of my partners the first time and drop jaw on the floor… but once i became friends and developed a crush they started to look cute! my current partner is very attractive to me now :)
Throughout life, the things you find important change. This is true for more than just physical attraction and what you look for in a partner. I think a lot of people, attractive or not, pair up with people that don’t fit their ideas about what is gorgeous. Everybody who doesn’t die young is going to get old and wrinkly, so if you want a good life partner, you’re going to have to prioritize personality traits and common interests over physical attractiveness, otherwise you’re going to end up paired up with somebody who doesn’t do it for you.
Everybody who doesn’t die young is going to get old and wrinkly
I’m certainly not disagreeing with you, but let’s not overlook how protecting your skin from sun exposure can help as the years pile on.
they say looks are the first things to go. not great long term criteria.
You should never date someone you aren’t attracted to. That won’t end well. That doesn’t mean they have to be a ten but you have to be attracted to them
What about when you get older.
Personality, sharing hobbies etc is extremely important in the long run, way more than drooling about someone.
Sure, good/ok looks is important but that’s not all.
This.
In this thread everyone is going to be single from 40 onwards apparently.
For me (a woman - averagely good looking not beautiful or ugly) physical attraction is a yes/no immediate screening by my scumbag subconscious brain and no guy has ever moved from the no bucket into the yes bucket, because to land in the “No” means looks bad enough I can’t get past it.
But no guy has ever been attractive to me based only on looks either. Looking better than ok really means nothing.
So not physically attractive? Sure, maybe. Literally physically unattractive to me? No.
That is quite literally not how attraction works.
As someone already mentioned, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive (or less attractive) they objectively become to you. I firmly believed that my wife was beautiful, and as our relationship soured and she started cheating on me, she quite literally became physically uglier in my eyes.
It’s just how the brain works. If you love someone, they’re beautiful. End of story.
It happens pretty often because physical attraction is just one facet of attraction - you can find someone extremely attractive but not for physical reasons… some people even have trouble processing physical attraction and identify as sapiosexual.
“Settle down” is based in different criteria to “want to fuck”
The tour bus was packed with teenage girls heading toward their next adventure.
There is a lot of room between attraction and repulsion though. A not ideal looking person who is so good in bed, loves you and you get along with? Maybe they are neutral to you looks-wise but hot for reasons other than looks.
Someone whose looks repel you? No, that’s never going to work.
Not every relationship is based on physical attraction and, by extension, sex
Lightning Paradise was the local hangout joint where the group usually ended up spending the night.
I’m not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
I don’t think this only applies to ace people. Sometimes you just realize you can’t have everything, settle with someone “below your standards” in respect to that, and even if you sleep in the same bed, you don’t do anything with each other in that way.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can’t accept that, you are in danger of growing… hateful views. I don’t want to become such a person, and it’s clear that it’s not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
To be totally clear, yes, I’m not ace, I have the desire, but that’s just not how it works.There are still other benefits of having a partner, like not being lonely and sharing the costs of living.
To also respond to OP, I don’t know if this is “the solution”. This is better for everyone involved than the alternative where you grow to be a hateful person. But maybe you should reevaluate if you are really in such a situation as you think. Possibly you are right, possibly not.
The river stole the gods.
If I may ask, was there any physical attraction between you two when you met?
To be honest, there is no other person here. Not yet, at least. My case is a little different, because it’s not about how I look, not even the personality (but who knows actually? I know I have problems e.g. finding the right tone, and sometimes seeming harsh), but some other properties that are day to day pretty noticeable, and are often associated with being handicapped (not in the meeting of being silly) (even by myself when I notice it on others). I know that this is universally a thing (or rather things) that is hard to accept, and I seriously wouldn’t want to live with someone like that either.
The point I wanted to make is that it’s ok if no one wants to be with me.
I have not yet started searching for an “economical partnership”.He created a pig burger out of beef.
I didn’t think people who stay in stable long term relationships look at it that way. The first thing to realize is that our brains are wonderful things. For instance I know my wife isn’t going to model on the front page of Sports Illustrated any time soon. But to me she really is more attractive.
The more we find out about how our brains work in relationships, the less the idea of having to be perfect makes sense. Both with beauty and personality. If you have the best body and personality according to society then you’re not unique. Millions of people are trying to make themselves into that image. Being yourself and being healthy are far more likely to land someone who actually cares about you.
Being attractive is mainly helpful in getting dates and having casual sex. Beyond that there needs to be actual compatibility of some kind, solid relationship skills, and a willingness to work at the relationship. Those are far more important over the long term than classic beauty because when you’re older that’s what’s going to be there.
That all said, I’m not aware of anyone “settling” in the modern era. We seem to be far more content with our friend groups unless there’s really something there.
Of all the things you love about someone, looks shouldn’t even make the list.
Why are you with someone you don’t find attractive? Are you obligated to be in the relationship? Are you afraid of what happens without your partner?
A partner is someone you are happy to be with and if attractiveness is the sole determining factor, ask yourself what is unattractive about yourself. Why are they with you? Why don’t they leave to find someone else?
In truth, attractiveness is great for starting a relationship but the relationship will evolve to become more about the connection you both share. In-jokes are the best part, old arguments are the worst. But it’s something no one else would understand because it’s between you two.
Wake up with your partner, see them after a night of restless sleep or being sick for a few days. No one is attractive then and hopefully this shows that attractiveness is not the only requirement for loving someone. The only requirement is that you love them, whole and true, for as long as you can.
If you don’t love your partner, or find yourself doubting, have the courage to solve that difficulty. Be honest with yourself AND your partner. They are living with the hope that each day will be another in the story of your lives. Lying to them by hiding how you feel is building interest on a pain that could have been avoided.
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Yes
it happens and it doesn’t work well if there’s isn’t some other quality(ies) that make(s) it meaningless.
I think what happens is that other attributes that they’re attracted to make the person more attractive to them, so that they aren’t weighting solely physical appearance. As in, they might not choose to hook with that person, but would still see that person as a solid choice for a life partner.
That said, it’s horribly cruel to get into a relationship with someone that you have zero sexual desire towards, unless that person has no sexual desire at all. You may not be physically attracted to them, but you should still desire them sexually.
Women usually do that for social status, I mean, for women usually if there is money(specifically what money involves not exactly money as it) they don’t care about beauty.
As a man at least for me you need to learn to appreciate women beyond their beauty, you need to experience going out with ugly women as part of knowing about women. The 98% of women function exactly the same way if you get used to go out with ugly women you will learn to go out with beautiful women.
Think of beauty like something what will not last forever, the main point in women isn’t their beauty but other characteristics like support and followship
Beauty isn’t everything what matters in a relationship, there are other things what each role do which compliment each other.
Edit: I’m getting downvoted and maybe to oblivion because evidently there are people who know I’m saying the truth but they don’t like someone to do that.
Some women do it for social status, absolutely - some men do too. Others do it for money, or fame, or because they have a nice house…
That is certainly not the norm and your suggestion that it is the norm and it is specifically for women is why you’re being downvoted (at least, IMO).
I actually agree with a portion of the rest of your comment that beauty isn’t that important… physical attraction is one facet of attraction and I’d argue it isn’t even a particularly major one.
I think you’re right, it may sound a bit strange from that point of view, I forgot to mention that 98% of men also function the same, although I must clarify that I am referring to a generality and not to a totality, meaning that there are exceptions.
