It’s not a childhood trauma thing. I had a decent upbringing. I’ve been like this all my life. I’ll talk about people using their name to others when the named person isn’t around, but I avoid using their name as a vocative to their face.
Same thing with people using my name. I don’t mind people summoning me by calling my name, but I cringe when people use my name as a vocative in front of me. I also get irritated when people I don’t know and have no intention of establishing a relationship with use my name.
I worked in a call center and we had the usual opening “thank you for calling _____ my name is early_riser, how can I help you?” I assumed the unspoken rule was that I’m giving my name so the client can later refer to me in complaints or commendations, not because I want to establish anything more than a client-employee relationship. Also, I always use “sir” or “ma’am” when addressing clients, and hope they reciprocate that respect.
Edit:
Yes I know what names are for. Also “angry” was too strong a word. I don’t lash out at people when they do this. I understand that people are trying to be friendly when they use my name and that the irritation is unwarranted, but it’s there and I want to know why.
yes, it makes me really uncomfortable! I had a friend who would always say my name while talking to me, and it felt somehow… diminutive? Like she was trying to be motherly? I don’t know.
I had a friend in school who did this. Really nice guy, but he would constantly say your name while having a regular conversation. It was always unnerving and distracting.
I had multiple classmates do this too and they were genuinely wonderful people. I think they heard it once as a tactic and decided to keep using it. Nothing against them but it’s terrible advice What if it was a psyop to make life more difficult for autistic people lol
What bothers me is people who use your name constantly in conversation. “Mosspiglet, I saw this movie last night. Yeah, Mosspiglet, it was really good.”
When a customer reads my name tag in an attempt to be friendly
I used to always wear someone else’s name tag because I got a kick out of them calling me by random names
I hate being called “sir” it sounds pretentious as fuck. Use my name, its far more personable and normal. Titles are like dress codes - completely made up theater that people play along with.
In the event of a call center scenario, it wouldn’t even be hard to track down who took the call whether they remembered my name or not, so I still wouldn’t care.
The only time it would be weird/annoying is if the person so constantly using my name instead of a pronoun, or if they’re using a tone to imply negativity toward it.
Yeah, we got rid of nobility for a reason. Demanding being called sir, madame, doctor, etc. Is just a holdover of middle class envy towards aristocracy. I’d much rather prefer to be called by my name than some arbitrary words meant to separate people into hierarchies.
I think in this case it’s more about them repeating your name. Feels fake.
In general I don’t use titles but at work I usually call men sir when they’re 50+ and I’ve never seen someone get bothered by it. It feels weird to go up to a stranger and say “Hi Brian, I heard you’re having chest pain today and I have some questions for you” or whatever. They don’t react negatively and seem to feel more respected. I don’t call women “m’am” because I know that can be irritating.
I think doctor only makes sense when you’re in a role at work. If you’re a visitor at a salon, don’t insist on it. If my boyfriend is booking a plane ticket he shouldn’t add Dr., but if he’s at a conference for fellow PhDs they should. If I’m at work they better call me doctor and not Miss or by my first name or I’ll be big madMust be a cultural thing. Where I’m from, if a doctor doesnt call you by name it is a red flag. It means they didn’t read the patient’s file. Teachers would flag student doctors negatively for it. You treat people, not loosely grouped collections of symptoms. Nurses are also strictly trained to call people by name (perhaps by Mr/ms surname, but that’s part of a holdover from reinforcing hierarchies), you know why? Because our hospitals have wards of anything between 12 and 30 beds and up. Calling “Sir please return to your bed” means nothing with 40 men in the same room, you have to be specific.
On the other hand, if you work a position of power, most people will call you doctor. It’s lawyers fault, really, as they historically used to hold all the political positions. They insisted so aggressively to be called doctors that now anyone in a position of authority or hierarchy, however slight it might be, is called doctor, even if they aren’t. Including in the medical field. Tons of people who aren’t doctors in medicine are called doctors, students of medicine are called doctors from day one, administration staff in medical settings will be called doctor, etc.
It also reinforces the first part. Lowly patients must call everyone inside a hospital doctor, but doctors don’t owe any title to anyone below them. Sure, it might arise from general ignorance about how the education system works, but it also illustrates how titles are always about separating people into hierarchies. It’s just an academic dick measuring contest.
Where are you from? Do you have a caste system? I’m in the US and I am pretty nice to patients and it’s rare that someone has a problem with me. Here we are called medical student or student doctor but it’s pretty clear we aren’t the ones in charge so it’s not like we’re tricking the patients.
I trained at a center with a majority population of Black and brown people and a lot of disadvantaged people, so I thought calling every man sir was a good idea, since it gave the implication I didn’t think I was any better than them. We have a long history of medical racism here. Or more rarely I do Mr/Ms Firstname
Latinamerica, no caste system. But tons of colonialism.
Lotta machismo too.
Very interesting, ty for giving me another perspective. I find titles onerous unless you’re working–don’t call me Dr at the corner store, I’m not gonna thank a random off-duty veteran for their service, etc–because it ranks people as though some are more worthy than others. I didn’t know that about lawyers in latin america
Chiming in with the ‘you might be neurodivergent’ crowd.
Absolutely typical.
Welcome and feel free to ping if you want to know stuff.
Some people do this to convey that they are listening and paying attention. However, when overused, (like saying sometimes name 5 times in a sentence in a one to one conversation) I have always found it disingenuous and try to avoid doing it myself.
Yeah, I fuckin hate it when people use my name while talking. It feels very awkward and creepy to me, especially if they use it often. I don’t wanna hear that. I know who I am.
Spamming my name in conversation is a whole other thing. It feels like they’re trying to sell me something, or otherwise persuade or convince by faking a level of trust they haven’t earned.
YES ABSOLUTELY. It squicks me out so much. I used to work in a call center and I was very friendly but definitely all business—with what I was doing, the reasons for calls are very cut-and-dry. When I would pick up the phone and greet someone and they’d go off with:
“Good morning, Rai. How are you doing today?”
“…great”
“That’s good to hear, Rai. Rai, can I ask…”
I instantly am in a nightmare world and want to delete them from my life.
This 100%
Yes! It’s akin to someone touching me unbidden. It’s gross and it feels gross to use people’s names around them. I almost never call my partner by their name to address them and any time they do it to me I absolutely hate it.
They’re usually just trying to remember your name so they repeat it a few times in the first few conversations and whenever they forget.
I used to feel like you to some extent and I realised that it takes me a long time to remember people’s names, and part of why I hated hearing my name is because it reminded me that I might not know the other person’s name and they might be upset that I don’t remember it like they remember mine. That was my “trauma” that made me hate hearing my name in conversation.
I hate it when they constantly repeat it. It’s a stupid management/politician thing and it isn’t natural. But why should I mind “Hello Mrs X” or “Hello Starling”?
I do the same “hey man, what’s up?” Because it takes my brain a second to use the search function. I know their name but I can’t come up with it in time for passing chat. So “hey man” comes off as less of a dick move than just standing there staring blankly at them.
It depends on how you define weird, but this phenomenon has a name (if that gives you a clue as to how common or uncommon it might be): Alexinomia
I also not only struggle with not feeling weird when I hear my name, but I also just avoid using other people’s names to the point that people get upset with me when I am trying to tell them about things involving multiple people because I will simply never name any of them. It makes listening to me rather confusing for others, and I’m not even entirely aware I’m doing it. And I die a little bit inside whenever I’m in a situation that requires me to address someone by name.
Might be worth looking into Alexinomia for some more information if this is bothering you.
Whenever somebody uses my name I immediately feel like I’m in trouble, then when I realize I’m not, I feel like they are faking intimacy by continuing to say my name and are attempting to manipulate me.
I’m also that guy that will be completely clueless that you are in to them until you grab me by the junk. So, there’s that.
I use names when specificity is needed. E.g., if I’m in a room with two other people, and I want to address only one of them, I’ll use a name (or nickname if there is one) to clarify who I am addressing.
If I’m in a room with only one other person, then using a name to address them would be redundant, unless I am not getting their attention otherwise (e.g., they’re engrossed in a book).
Same for me. I don’t care about pronouns that are used for me but hearing or seeing my name used anywhere feels weird as hell. Maybe it just plays into my general dislike of being perceived.
I don’t like when people work my name into a conversation (“that’s a good point, glimse!” Not “hey glimse how’s it going?”) because it makes me…suspicious. Like mind instantly jumps to the tactic taught to sales people to build rapport with prospective customers.
My guess is that it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve been taken advantage of after blindly trusting someone before, now I’m predisposed to look for the signs.
I’m sure it doesn’t help that I don’t really love my name. I don’t care enough to change it but it wouldn’t have been my first pick.
I think using people’s names is an old life hack from “How to win friends and influence people”. Most people respond well to it.
It’s also a nice thing in a group where some people might not know or might have forgotten other people’s names. Then they don’t have to ask.
I hate it when salespeople who have my data in their system use my name over and over again, feels so false. In moderation it’s nice though… Also one guy working at a large store last year remembered my name as soon as I walked in after a month or so, I was definitely impressed.
i feel that. i assumed it is an autistic trait … also theres a trans thing in my life. i like my new name a lot better.
still there are situations, in which i think it’s unneccesarry to say my name. especially , when you already have my attention. people pointed to ‘removing distance’ as a function. i usually like my distance. “hi, kluczyczka.” sounds waaay to forward, as if you want to eat me. if you already have my attention, just say “hi”. …
in languages which have strong formality, i tend to use these forms a lot more than others too, this usually uses the family name , which has a nice distance to it? so “hi, ms tchncs.de” would be fine with me.
