When a person tells you that a loved one has passed, ask what the their name was and say it back. It can be awkward when that comes up and you might not know how to respond best. I’ve found that most people don’t want you to feel bad for them, but them saying their name and having a chance to talk about them is often a nice thing.
I’m in healthcare so death comes up a lot. “David. That’s a nice name. Where was he from?”
This… Might not be as helpful as you think it is… My dad died 6 months ago, and If someone asked me what his name was and then said ‘that’s a nice name’ I’d feel like it was a superficial and bad reaction. My father was a lot of things, and for someone to sum it up in ‘that’s a nice name’ as a form of sympathy would make me pause and struggle to find a response to such a… Simple and child-like reaction. I feel like that’s a response you could maybe get away with people’s pets, but not a human loved one.
Don’t get caught up in the phrasing, which should be tailored to each individual need in the moment. Instead, look at what they’re saying, just ask questions and actively listen. They should do more of the talking and people love to tell stories, especially of loved ones. This isn’t going to be the best approach for everyone but it will be for most people.
How about: I’m sorry to hear that, are you holding up ok?
“What was his name?”
“David”
“I’m sorry to hear that, are you holding up ok?”
You’d be a shite doctor 😂
My Dad died about 4 years ago now and I still think about him almost daily. It was hard at first, but I’m not sure which I would’ve wanted, for people to have asked about him or to have not asked about him. Part of me wanted to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone and part of me wanted people to have cared and know about him.
While it’s true you can’t sum up a person with “that’s a nice name,” they’re trying to make conversation, they probably don’t know what you know about him and if you want them to know, you’d need to correct them. My Dad really wasn’t social much throughout his life, so it kind of felt like just nobody cared at all, maybe half a dozen people in total ever really asked anything about him after he passed.
Also healthcare here. I do something similar, both for already dead family members and critically ill patients.
I don’t so much focus on the name, but ask a general “can you tell me about them?”
It reinforces to people that you care and helps forge a connection.
Not sure if this applies, but “You can never love someone else until you love yourself” was a lesson my dad taught me from a very young age.
If you don’t like yourself, you’ll almost inevitably end up with someone who is taking advantage because you won’t be able to stand up for yourself and you won’t speak up when they hurt you.
There are the very rare exceptions, but they are the ones who help you help yourself. Someone who truly helps you will not shower you with gifts or compliments, but rather will help you recognize and change what you don’t like about yourself. In other words, “Only a true friend would be that truly honest.”
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” -RuPaul
Well there are different love languages and not everybody has it in themself to being able to help you change yourself.
Also I think someone insecure about themself would not necessarily be the one being oppressed, I guess they can also end up being toxic.
But I agree with you generally
Reminds me of a verse from Social Distortion’s “I Was Wrong”:
"And I think about my loves, well I’ve had a few
Well, I’m sorry that I hurt them, did I hurt you too?
I took what I wanted, put my heart on the shelf
But how can you love when you don’t love yourself?"
First pants, then shoes.
-Gary Larson
“People buy based on emotion, not logic.”
Great advice for the sales world. And let’s face it, everyone, including you, is selling something.
Don’t do good things that look bad.
Parents told me that when I was young. It made more sense as I became older.
What does that advice mean to you, in practical terms? Like with an example?
Like helping someone commit a crime
Make your bed every day.
An order I received from a friend helping me out of a dark place. Asked why and was told to just do it.
There’s a TED talk on that
The apocryphal story by the military man?
Correct
Correct
I started to do it to keep the dog dirt out of my sheets. It’s the first time I have ever done this in my life. I now feel like an adult.
Read the manual and if something’s broken, give fixing it a shot even if you end up breaking it more.
When you read the manual, you learn things (often including how to fix them without breaking them more). The more things you know how to fix, the more everything starts to look familiar. This is how those people who seem to be ridiculously good at fixing everything learned to be good.
I know two that are about relationships:
“Long distance is the wrong distance”
and
“Crazy bitches fuck like tigers”
