I’m beginning to accept that I may never be in a relationship again. There are life expectations I have for myself, some admittedly selfish, but really, the idea of having to deal with another grownup who is as obstinate as I am has left me disillusioned about relationships. But I want to have kids. I want to be a father. For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way. What is the process for dudes? I believe its going to involve a surrogate, but where does one get a donor egg and what not? I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate, just me and the kids.
If you can’t deal with an adult partner, dealing with kids might not be so great for you either.
Ya, buddy. With an Adult you are dealing with another human who sometimes can be an asshole, dick, bitch, bastard, cunt , or whatever.
A kid is all those things without every giving a fuck. If you have problems with adults, you definitely will be in hell with a kid.
Nah, kids are innocent 5ill teens. All us grown ups can go fuck ourselves, we’re all set in our ways older we grow, some are grouchy fucks others are well depends where ya live USA, I trust no one other than my kids no other adults
Innocent? Buddy, my 6 yr old is the most ruthless person I know. He’ll circumvent either his mother or I depending on what he wants.
Innocent no. Aware of their actions and what consequences may come? Nah. They don’t give a fuck. It’s why we teach em right and wrong.
Had given this thought and it actually comes from here. Due to unforseen circumstances, I’ve been helping raise 3 kids for the last couple of years and I’m currently listed as their guardian. I’ve been involved with everything from diapers to after school stuff. I’m talking 85%+ of their time and needs comes from me. We went to the county a couple of years ago, to formalise some processes, and I’m now basically recognized.
However, as this situation is coming to an end, probably in a couple of months, I found it enjoyable, despite the stresses. One thing I’ve learnt about kids is that they generally don’t have malice in their intent, while adults scheme and plot. Sure, we have had bad days and tempers have flared, but had it not been this situation ending, I would have done this thing all the way through. Given my extremely soft-landing as a parent, I realized I want more of it. Kids change you. Its weird.
. No reason to make a new kid when there are kids out there who need help. Start as a foster parent and work from there.
Probable. Likely.
“Just adopt” is typically advice given by people who have never had to seriously research adoption.
All options given in this thread will an absolutely absurd reductions of what would be several hundred pages of serious discourse.
Throwing out side comment as you did adds nothing to the discourse at all.
You can easily have an hour conversation on adoption and only break the surface.
Adoption is going to be hard depending on the state you are from. Where I’m from the state will basically hand you a kid for foster care, but make it a multi year legal struggle to adopt that child even if the birth parents relinquish rights
The comments here aren’t to solve some strangers problems but provide some solace in what is obvious a hard time in their life. Being involved and kids wanting one and yet not having a relationship is a super rough place to be in. Being reminded there are options may be enough.
If they wanted real answers there are much more focused places than Lemmy to get information. Sometime people just need to not be alone.
The whole point of this post was OP asking how to become a father without a partner. That’s basically his only option
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You really think women aren’t judged for being a single mother?
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When I’m out by myself with the kiddo I don’t feel judged at all. If anything some people compliment me on it, which feels like being complimented for not being neglectful but I’ll take it.
It feels dangerous to play or even talk with other people’s kids though, but that’s a different thing.
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Why this gets downvoted? It’s true we get different judgements by different people. As a father I’ve been judged for so much shit you wouldn’t believe. Hell recently I had a Karen ask my why I gone to an anime convention with my daughter and if the mother knows. Bitch she is 14 and we both like anime wtf?
You don’t want to deal with an adult who may be as obstinate as you, but you want kids?
I would have a think on that before having kids if I were you
Example conversation
Me to my niece: I like the little bow on your hair.
My niece: Thanks uncle N. I want a pink one for my birthday. Don’t forget.
Me to my ex: I like the little bow on your hair.
My ex: What are you trying to say? I’m a slut? Fuck you. Who do you think you are talking to?
No, I am not kidding. She had a complicated relationship with herself, alcohol, her employer and her landlord. The previous one cheated and got pregnant, other one enabled my terrible habits and left me after I went sober and clean. I’m not expecting the exact same response but getting insulted for complimenting someone is a pain. Maybe its my choice of people, maybe its something I do or say, but I know what is working for me, hence how we got here.
First of all: when it comes to relationships:
not all women.
not all men.
not all people.
Second of all: if you think that was bad you havent seen how teenagers get with their parents yet. and that little girl still goes home and have tantrums you dont have to deal with regardless of how cute the bow is.
So you might benefit from some therapy around relationships before embarking on fatherhood. Especially if you have had limited experience with some difficult people and think raising a teenager is going to be any easier or nicer. And you’re going to wish you had another adult to tag team just to have a time out from with a kid at any age. cuz you cant divorce that kid just cuz they are having a ‘difficult phase’.
From what I’ve experienced, I’d say being with the kids has been far more easier. I don’t have limited experience with difficult people, I have a crap load of experience dealing with difficult people. I’ve lived that life, and I am not going back. Yes, I get that kids would not be a “divorce” away, and I am ok with that. I was a kid too, and maybe I’ve been an asshole, but I have never woken up intending to hurt or trick someone. Neither do these kids so far, outside of trying to get candy and going for movie nights.
OH HAHAHA HAHA …you… you think its easier??
you dont think a teenager wont just say shit to hurt your feelings?
you havent experienced a teenage girl threaten that she will crawl out the bedroom window at 2am, get pregnant and make you raise the child . for what reason you might ask? for no other reason other than her being born and having a bad period/you bought the wrong cereal. and shes 11. threatening to get raped on the street.
and thats after you gave her everything, education, sex ed, food, been there for them.
this is true stories bro. this is true parenthood.
you cannot say i didnt warn you.
think: this person can hurt you the deepest and you are 100% responsible for everything they do. up to and including killing a person after they stole a scooter on your credit card. that is 100% on you.
another adult pulling this shit you can easily extract yourself. you arent lawfully responsible.
teenagers: nope. not as easy. you remain lawfully responsible for everything they do.
People are being weird to you, but I just wanna say that raising a child and co-living with a life partner are completely different things and skill sets.
There’s no rule book that says you need to have a partner to have a child or raise them well. Ignore anyone who says this. If you just got out of a toxic relationship, it’s completely normal and healthy not to want to jump back in the dating pool. I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago, and I have 0 plans to remarry or even open a dating app.
The average relationship takes a huge amount of work, often fails, and the average divorce time is 10 years. If you don’t want to deal with another adult for a while, there’s zero shame. You’re not doing it wrong, you’re not missing anything vital. You probably already know all this but I’m just giving reassurance.
Kids are much simpler than adults, but harder work. You can get into a routine and life kind of goes on autopilot, and you solve problems as they come up. It’s hard work but it’s typically uncomplicated work, without the emotional manipulation.
Only one warning I will say: make sure you’re in a good headspace going into it. The last thing you want is for any unresolved damage from the relationship to come out as an emotional reaction to something your child does. Then it turns into generational trauma.
Good luck
✧*。ヾ(^.^)ノIts weird, because yes, my headspace has been forced to improve. I have grown up in ways I can’t explain. Having them forced me to reevaluate myself, cleaned up my diet, stopped drinking, lost about 55 pounds, started working steadily, dealt and is still confronting my legal stuff that I run away from for long, just major improvements, and I became a better version of myself. I’m not doing this because of emotional attachment, but because the better version of me wants to be a dad. Its as simple as that. A lot of people here have judged me in ways I can’t even begin to explain, but it is the internet so, no surprises there. Nonetheless, this is the next step in my life I am excited to embrace. If I am going to put effort in any form of a familial relationship, then kids all the way, raise them, educate them, hopefully be a better role model than I got, and be a better man.
Thanks for the best wishes.
It seems a lot of what is going on in this thread needs to have some therapy and possibly medication.
It’s important to get that help when you needed it.
Sounds like the OP is getting to the right space , but could benefit from some guidance on how to deal with being treated so poorly.
Adopt, volunteer in an orphanage, have a weekend visit, something like that. Just know it’ll be rough being a single parent.
An adult who can’t even imagine having to deal with another adult should not be having kids alone. Kids are 100x harder to deal with than adults.
Yeah OP is giving incel and should get therapy rather than a kid lol
I doubt you’d say something so repulsive about a single woman that wanted kids 🙄
Conservatives say that all the time. They blame them for overutilizing food stamps in particular. Campaigning against single mothers keeping their children away from their fathers been one of their main arguments against social services for literal decades.
I would if they framed it like this. I find all genders of incels equally repulsive though admittedly I do think life is more unjust thus my judgement is more lenient.
damn, you’re giving major incel vibes, projection much?
Oh good lord shut the fuck up
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I have a friend who took that road. He adopted a 13 year old from a bad situation. Said kid is now a college graduate. It seems like that is a rewarding path without as many moving parts.
As a father of two though I can tell you I have repeatedly said to my wife “I have no idea how single parents can do this.”. They do it because they don’t have a choice mostly, but you absolutely do. Make sure you’ve prepared yourself as much as possible and maybe try some extended solo kid time (2+ or better 3+ days) if you have friends with younger kids. It’s not complicated, but it’s not easy by any means.
What a surprisingly positive and refreshing answer. Sigh, now to read the other comments that will inevitably be “WHY WOULD YOU X? BOOO”
Depends a lot on where you are, but I think odds and society is stacked against you here. In theory, adoption is a possibility, but I suspect you’d face a lot more scrutiny than a single woman would in this situation.
Saw a TV show where two dudes faked being gay, got married all to help the one guy adopt a kid. I know the odds would be far against me.
Interesting perspective. May I ask your age? I’m going to be 48 this month and while I have similar relationship experience, to the point that I don’t have any experience at all for the last 20 years- I feel like the last thing the world needs is someone as broken as me raising a child. I can’t be trusted to do the dishes these days.
Turning 45. I used to avoid the dishwasher like the plague, now, its the last thing I do before I go to sleep. I can’t imagine dirty dishes around me, a far cry from me and roaches not too long ago. I would ask for you to attempt fostering. It heals people. Its the best therapy you can get.
If you live in a state that allows single men to foster and adopt, that is one possibility.
And yes I’m sure paid surrogates can work with single guys. There are agencies for those.
Good luck to you.
Thanks. If all goes as I hope, I will be moving to California next summer which is when I intend to pursue this.
There’s a whole business around surrogacy. It’s a moral and legal gray zone - in some jurisdictions you can’t eventually adopt a child alone as a man.
It’s expensive, too. You’re paying for the procedure, for the surrogates time and health care - and there are still no guarantees that you’ll end up with a child. Expect ~$100-150k if you’re willing to travel to exploit a woman in a third world country.
And a newborn/toddler is no walk in the park. Expect about two years of lost work.
Are you even in a financial position where this is feasible?
Sort of things I was hoping to hear. No, I’m not going to exploit a 3rd world person for anything. I came up in a 3rd world country, so just no. Professionally, I am doing alright, a year or two ago, I could not afford a McDonalds burger now, I’m received 5% gross from a logistics company that I did a project for and signed up for a %age of the action in lieu of me supporting them. I do about 10 hours a month for that, works out to around 8k gross and I have two other similar placed projects coming up, so that’s looking good.
Been raising kids as I mentioned in another thread, so this isn’t exactly new. Not easy, yup, I agree.
The process seems expensive and the information is murky.
Look into cloning yourself.
I don’t think you’ll find anyone willing to surrogate for you.
I’m not a comparative sort of person, but I’ve seen people with far greater personal handicaps than my own become parents, I don’t judge. Everyone has their own story.
Sure, by bringing children into this world to fulfill your own psychological needs, you are no different than any other parent.
Just putting myself in the head of someone who is willing to surrogate and betting they want to imagine their child growing up in a two-parent home.
I wanted to be a husband and a full time dad. I’ve tried step 1 and it did not go well. Does that mean I don’t qualify for step 2? Also, there are kids who wake up in a two parent home and end up in a single parent home, or in the foster system, or homeless. Doesn’t always work out as one intends, best foot forward is the next best alternate in my books.
No worries, man, I’m an anti-natalist. I don’t think anyone should be brought into this world, so you don’t need to justify anything to me.
The question is how you get society to give you a child, and I think you’ll have to compete with more traditional family units for the scarce resources of egg & womb. If you want to adopt pre-existing older kids, you’ll have less to contend against.
