“I am recording this message as testimony in case I die tomorrow April 20th 2026. It is not an accident. Johan the noisy upstairs neighbor who throws cigarette butts onto my balcony and yelled at my kids for laughing too loud may have poisoned me. Do not let him get away with it.”

Mekka lekka hi, mekka heiny ho!

Whew! Glad I got that off me chest!

Tell my wife I said “Hello”.

Not much really, maybe not telling my partner how to maintain the tank for our axolotl.

“And there we go. I’ve successfully stolen all of Elon Musk and JK Rowling’s wealth and used it specifically to donate to transgender youths charities.”

I haven’t said it because I have yet to accomplish it.

I never hated you. I’ve just been disappointed in the choices you have made that led you to become the person you are today. you were always my hero, until you stopped caring.

to my older brother who has surrounded himself with white trash MAGA centric people and has become an unfathomable closet racist.

I haven’t said it, because it would probably remove any possibilities of seeing each other again.

growing up I always kind of looked up to him. he had to deal with more fucked up shit from both my parents than I ever had to. I admired his spirit to never give up and to continue moving forward.

then one day, he just kind of settled. I think he just was afraid of being alone. thing is, he’s surrounded himself with empty husks of human beings that use him. he’s still alone, just alone with parasites.

Apologies to some people. Haven’t given them because sometimes it’s not the right thing to just pop back into their life. Giving them no contact is the next best thing to telling them I was wrong and that’s what they’d prefer.

Actually, nothing, but perhaps I wish I had said some things more often?

“Burn my ebook reader in a consecrated fire, that it might follow me into the afterlife. Don’t forget the charger cable.”

Can you put on a condom?

None, I speak my mind