I was at a party where this very handsome guy kept making moves and initiating. It felt so nice to be chosen out of many people, and the chats were good rather than superficial small talk. After a while he asked “my place or yours?” No matter how much my mind was aware that I am not the type of person who can carelessly hook up and I get attached, my heart couldn’t say no in the moment. So we went to his and hooked up. We were also drunk which didn’t help. Full disclosure, he couldn’t get completely hard, and I wonder if it has to do with me but he said it’s probably because he’s drunk. We mutually did other intimate things too, and cuddled afterwards which got me - he was giving compliments and being sweet.
Then it got weird. I couldn’t sleep and woke him up once after which he turned over and at one point said “get out”. He was in and out of sleep with eyes closed, but it was very clearly said. He also claims that he doesn’t remember anything after he hit the bed. So does that mean it’s possible he was dreaming/sleeptalking and it wasn’t directed at me? I accidentally left something small at his place and he added me on social media later on saying he found it. We sent a few flirty messages back and forth across a few days, and he recently asked about my weekend plans but is now ghosting me for the second time.
I just feel old and stupid. I naively thought there could be something this time but they are all the same. I hate that I fell for it and couldn’t control myself. What should I do or say now? We’re in a professional organization (although not a workplace) where word travels fast, my friends all saw us and were so curious, and I really care what our peers think of me. I asked when he was drunk to keep this between us so I’m afraid it didn’t register deeply enough. Should I have a real talk with him, and if so, over food or just a talk in person or over the phone? I feel so lost. Please help me out, friends. Thank you!
I wouldn’t give someone I barely know a second or third chance after being told to get out and then ghosted. If he doesn’t respect you, that’s an absolute dealbreaker, in my opinion.
Thank you so much. I agree but is it possible he was dreaming/sleeptalking and it wasn’t directed at me? Because he claims that he doesn’t remember anything after hitting the bed. Should I have a real talk with him? I’m not sure it registered deeply enough that I want to keep this private being that we’re in this professional organization
It depends how you feel. Did you feel this self-conscious/doubting/uncertain when you guys were chatting?
Some people are worth giving your time, but people that ghost you usually aren’t.
Is it not a bit harsh to break it off completely because of a simple text ghost? OP did not mention if it were a couple of days or weeks? If it was a longer period, sure I agree with you, but a shorter might just be that they are busy/anxious/whatever. I say follow your heart and trust in your gut feeling. Be honest with yourself OP and ask yourself if you feel they are genuine? If you like them for real, why not go on another date and see how it feels? It’s not like it’s the end of the world and you can decide if you want to continue seeing them after the date. You also get a better chance to feel them out when you are both non-drunk, etc. Just my thoughts.
On the part about “get out”, I saw he could have been dreaming or sleeptalking and I wanted to say that too. I’m told I talk in my sleep. Talk is an understatement. I’m told I say extremely hurtful, offensive, vicious things in my sleep, often directed towards people who I have no ill feelings against. I’m talking about cussing, insulting their personality traits, going down deeply psychological analysis of them, using words an phrases that aren’t common (as in rarely used, often intellectual words) screaming, punching and kicking in the air as if I were fighting them, all sorts of stuff very out of character of me.
I try to warn people about it if I’m planning on sleeping around them but even with a heads up, people usually aren’t prepared for the things I’m told I say. I didn’t even know I did it for a very long time, then after one friend had a serious talk with me about it and I shared the conversation with family members did I learn that it is a very common thing for me to do and I’ve been doing ever since I could first speak.
Maybe it’s some sort of mental illness or repression or something but for the most part, the people I’m told I scream at when I’m asleep are people I deeply care about and never does my conscious mind ever have these thoughts or an urge to scream at anyone.
So it could be a red flag that the guy said “get out” but it still could be a sleep talking thing that he doesn’t even know he does. I would bring it up with him directly in a non-confrontational but still serious manner. Ask him if he remembers doing it and what it meant. How he responds should help you decide if he is worth pursuing.
As for the ghosting, I’ve always used a ‘three strikes and your out’ rule. Things come up, I get it. If they come up a lot, they’re out of my life.
Maybe I’m just naive but I personally no matter how little I know a person would “ghost” someone especially if there is some open thread.
I don’t know the full context of your social situation or how your friends work. But given what little I know I’d just take this a learning experience and move on. I doubt in the long haul it will look bad on you. If anything look poorly on the other person.
You seem like you care about relationships and people. Someone one better will certainly come along.
Regardless, best of luck with everything.
He treates you badly and now you feel bad. Thats totally normal and okay. Now my suggestion would be to put a stop to this bad treatment of you blocking his private contact and staying professional at your org. That sends a clear enough message
I just feel old and stupid. I naively thought there could be something this time but they are all the same. I hate that I fell for it and couldn’t control myself.
I mean, what’s past is past. Absolutely no reason to feel bad because of a drunken hook-up. The stringing-along and ghosting seems more like a him problem than a you problem. More likely than not, this guy is just as insecure and flaky as he appears in hindsight.
It fucking sucks that we’ve got so many lemons in the dating pool. Your story is one I’ve heard a dozen different women of all different ages and experiences reiterate. A guy turns on the charm, you get swept off your feet, then he’s back to business as usual the next day and you realize he’s just a normal POS.
But we’ve got an urge for companionship, so we all keep putting ourselves out there. The struggle is real. Know that even if you’re lonely, you’re not alone. Lots of people feel this way and nothing you’re doing is bad or wrong, even if it feels frustrating.
One Night flings are rough precisely because you build a deep bond very quickly with someone who - in the long term - wasn’t going to work out. I’m not going to say “don’t do that” because people are horny and fucking is fun. But you can’t beat yourself up afterwards, because mixing guilt and horniness is miserable and ruins the fun part of fucking. Then you’re just left with this hollow urge divorced from the joy of sex.
I can say that finding love among friends (at least in my experience) tends to be more fruitful than trying to find friendship among lovers. Dragging someone out on a date a few times isn’t just about counting the encounters before hooking up, it’s about building a list of things you like to do together that you can do when you’re not naked.
And sometimes just going out and doing things you like to do, and meeting other people who do things you like to do, is the best way to find a long-term companion.
And if that’s going to parties and clubs - because you plan to keep clubbing straight through your retirement years - that’s great. But if you’re a golfer or a painter or a board game enthusiast or a mall rat, you gotta go find big groups of people doing this kind of thing and date from there. Cause the people you meet at bars are, more often than not, the kind of people who want to be at the bar for the rest of their lives.
Personally I think hookups are supposed to make you depressed, god’s way of forcing you to develop “speed wooing” abilities (which I will explain for $24.99 inquiries at xmpp:shadowbannedfrommcdonalds). They’re almost indistinguishable—to an outsider, that is.
