Thank you so much. I agree but is it possible he was dreaming/sleeptalking and it wasn’t directed at me? Because he claims that he doesn’t remember anything after hitting the bed. Should I have a real talk with him? I’m not sure it registered deeply enough that I want to keep this private being that we’re in this professional organization

Thank you so much for your advice! Your comment reminded me of a rather key moment that happened:

He and his friend picked a guy to matchmake me with, I said he’s not my type, to which my crush asked “who is your type?” but I didn’t get a chance to respond because his friend interrupted. Right after that, he called me bro again, and I asked him straight up “Do you see me as a bro?” He clammed up and seemed like he wanted to say something more, but just said “What?” while smiling after a silence, and I said “What?” back. At one point, we were almost cuddling and his voice got cute/soft; he also initiated a hug late that night.

I like the idea of asking our mutual friend to help me out and ask him directly if he’s interested in me that way. I’ve already chatted with his friend, hinting at my feelings, but I haven’t asked him to open the dialogue on their side. His friend seems very supportive and said that we would be a cute couple together. For additional context, he also did mention that the earliest he will start dating is after this strenuous work period which goes until mid-December. Given the timeline, do you think this should be as soon as the work wraps up right before the holidays, or wait until next year? Not sure if I can keep waiting in frustration especially wanting to make the most of the time off.

Thank you so much. I agree and it’s just that we have to be on good terms with one another in this program and be nice on the surface even if maybe we don’t like certain people. Question now is what should I, and we collectively as a group, do? If you can share insight on my questions in the post specifically regarding next steps, it will be so helpful.

Thank you for sharing. Does that change at all if we are not currently at a workplace as in a company, but it is still a professional career-oriented program? I’m really not sure where else I am supposed to find a partner if not at a place where everyone is around the same age and well-rounded, especially when there’s this time constraint. Dating is difficult!

I would certainly say so. I’ve added more context above and my head gets jumbled when I meet with the guys. I do feel this awkwardness stemming from how the group text started, and pressure to add a girl, and that we’re all just trying to make it work. But I’m not sure if it’s just me reading too much into it or my romantic feelings getting in the way? What should I do, and should I explain the behind the scenes context or will that make things worse?

I hear you and that’s always wise, but I’m really not sure where I’m supposed to meet someone. At extracurricular clubs or people from completely other professional teams at this organization?

Thank you so much for your advice. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to come back to this post but there have been recent developments and not good ones. I like your advice to reply from my work email address and ultimately did so. Thankfully he ignored, and then I left the firm, thinking that was it. I did meet with Ann since I kept delaying a proper thank you and felt she still deserved that for helping me out. I briefly mentioned that in an ideal world, I would’ve had calls with more people before leaving, and that in reality I wanted to keep it very low-key so it was unnecessary for people to keep reaching out especially when I wasn’t even that close to them. She immediately took this as some sort of reference that it was ok for Ned specifically to call me AGAIN and I know she blabbed every detail to him as well as the other tough coworker in my post (let’s say Al). She asked if I called Al before leaving and I said yes and did that due to: 1) Al respectfully and explicitly suggested it well in advance, 2) I like and respect him, 3) we were working on the same project - none of which I can say about Ned. So Ned not only called me in the morning the next day which is a holiday - he had the audacity to FaceTime me. And why the fuck is he not sending a text or email at all? Why the fuck does he think he can just call out of the blue, especially after I have left the firm and have given the cold shoulder multiple times? The reason this is bothering me so much is that I want to be on good terms in case I go back to that line of work at some point. And they are all a toxic as shit package deal - Ned complains to Ann who spreads the word to all their little sycophants including this previous member of the group who left before me but is very well-connected and I fear she will snitch on me to a potential future company in the same profession. What should I do now? It is causing me anguish and I want to keep options open, however can I do that by ignoring him and can someone jeopardize someone else’s job offer with slander??

Oh man they both didn’t deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It’ll have to be from a distance. Stay well!

Not the same person but I don’t know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I’m fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren’t dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I’ll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That’s the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

Thank you for your edit. I feel like some people will think you’re being dramatic and that strangulation specifically sounds like this far-fetched phenomenon. However, I believe this is really important to address.

I want to share my two cents and illustrate why it’s not all that uncommon yet how common it is for this to be overlooked. I once was into kinky choking with significant others. I no longer entertain this and will stand by this no matter how tempted. In a frisky moment with my narcissist ex’s hands on my neck, he straight up said: “I want to SUFFOCATE you”. No one has ever said something like that to me, he was completely unprovoked, we were in good moods, and we didn’t even have so much as a disagreement at that point. For him to say that to me, as a narcissist who isn’t a veteran with PTSD, let alone a veteran with PTSD who clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma, is chilling as is. Add in a few fights and drama, that becomes an even more concerning situation.

I’m not trying to dictate what people should do in the confines of their bedrooms, but I have to at least voice this. Take the kinky element out of the picture for a second. That is a full-grown man sucking the oxygen out of a woman’s lungs, both in their most vulnerable and defenseless states. If a form of taking someone’s life is what gets you going, that’s your choice and a different story entirely. I’m just saying it’d be wise to think twice, think about what actions are actually happening right before your eyes and if the risk is worth the reward. I haven’t even gotten to the psychological and mental effects that can come from glorifying choking and downplaying its dangers. There are plenty of studies online with statistics of choking inadvertently becoming fatal. One does not need to intend to murder, in order for it to happen.

I’ll even share one more. After breaking up from the narcissist, I had an extremely successful, attractive, well-liked guy tell me that he chokes anyone else in the room when he watches a horror movie. I later read up on it, and this is also not healthy behavior. So if this can be such a common concept thrown out in everyday conversation, why would anyone want to purposefully subject themselves to this literally life-threatening position - for the cheap thrills? Because they do it online? “Everyone” else does it therefore you should too?

PS: I’m not a prude and am all for other playful kinky delights with the right person. Just felt the need to share this from my personal experience which is also supported by clinical research.

Great analogy and points made, thank you. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel sorry for him and what he had to go through. But part of me knows I can’t subject myself to healing him, or myself alongside him. It’s too much all at once. One more thing, his PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

Red flag parade lol! But yes very true, I think poor guy knows it too and is really trying to turn it around. I literally told him I’m not sure if it’s my trust issues or he’s a walking red flag, and he took it very well. That’s also why I’m attracted I think, he is so sweet after all he’s been through. But reading everyone’s warnings was a wake-up call and made me feel bad and questioning myself for feeling attracted to him. Thank you so much

Thank you so much! I really needed to hear it and hope I can see that more myself soon.

This helps a lot, thank you!

Well said, he is the type of guy who would change his behavior completely if I were a male. So in a word, misogynist as was mentioned above. It still makes me so angry, mainly the lack of respect. It also confuses me that someone I shared all this with, who is of a very different culture, said Ann/Ned didn’t really do anything wrong (which no one has said on this thread). I know this person means well but I would really understand them better if they weren’t always trying to see what I could do better from my side, and acknowledge that sometimes other people are the bad guy.

All true, thank you! I really hope so too. I’ve never been treated that way before, especially in a setting that is fully meant to be professional by definition.

I will say while the harassment wasn’t in the sense of bossman asking for a quickie in his office - the harassment was clear with sexual undertone. For more context, we went on a work trip where it was supposed to be all 3 of us there overnight. Ann bailed (no surprise there), so I was forced to be there with Ned. I wanted to go to a cheaper hotel and made it clear I was content staying there myself while he went elsewhere, and Ned kept pressuring me to get this fancy hotel, same one as him. He rented this bright colored trendy car (not the norm for business trips) and said he thought it would look better/more impressive. I instantly thought “Who cares? We are here for work.” It clearly wasn’t for the client because he purposefully parked far away so they wouldn’t see (suspicious in and of itself). He wanted me to go to dinner (with his friend, but still) and randomly claimed he forgot to pack the most essential things and wanted me to go to not one, but two, stores with him. I was so pissed when he kept pressuring me to order a more expensive dish to share and got upset when I didn’t. We got back to the hotel around 10:30pm or even later. Constantly cracking dumb jokes trying to make me laugh. So yes I think the look in his eye wasn’t innocent warmth and longing. I sat in that car and went with his shenanigans because it was a work trip. Some people might be ok with this shit. I’m not some people. As for dramatic, I’ll take it over keeping silent over this misogynistic treatment that has no place in any community.

I want to so badly but what about the bridges that would burn? He isn’t the most well-liked but he has been there for a while and has connections with two really important leaders who did help me out a lot, including Ann (as much as I hate to admit it; all this happened after I opened up to her help)

I agree, thank you! That was the worst part of it all. I think it brought back some of my past trauma as well dealing with this other nasty mean pair ganging up on me. I was several years younger than that pair too. Some people just love to try exerting control when it isn’t even about that. In this case, it was as if Ann kept trying to matchmake us and felt like I owed that to her, blatantly asking my age and stating that he is X years older, asking what my type is, blaming me for “creating distance” when I always take public transpo home and simply wanted to again - on a Saturday night at that. Do you think they might retaliate though, especially Ann? I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that part