There is this girl I like, she knows I would like to go on a date with her someday. She isn’t sure what she wants at the moment. That’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her. And I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship anymore. It screws with my psyche, it’s like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it. (bad analogy, but fuck it)
I’ve had enough. I just want to tell her I don’t like seeing her on just a friendship level any more. And if she doesn’t see me as a romantic partner, which is totally A-okay fine with me, but it will mean I’m walking away from this friendship all together. At the same time I don’t want to force her to make a decision (she sometimes has trouble saying no). And here’s the real son of a gun, she is highly suicidal and takes endings of friendship badly (as she herself has said).
So does anyone have any advice to spare here? Yes, I’m a terrible person so think of it for her sake. Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
End the friendship now.
She doesn’t want you plus the suicidal ideations complicate matters.
Don’t make it a thing, just stop being in her life slowly. It doesn’t need to be an event, just stop being around her.
Oh that’s easy, you say “I wanna keep seeing you but on a dating level.”
Just be blunt and honest man. It’s that simple.
100% do it.
No woman should ever take an ultimatum like that, but it’s better for her to know who you are then you creeping around her and growing resentful while she thinks you’re legitimately a friend.
This way everyone goes their separate ways. Eventually you might learn that it’s not an either or thing and good relationships are friendships.
Sometimes things end because someone wants something the other doesn’t. That’s ok. It’s life.
But if you never take the shot, then you’re keeping something alive in hopes of some potential future breakthrough, and that’s not fair to you (or them) either.
So, rip the bandaid off and commit. If that’s not what she wants, that’s on her, and you can move on.
And please, please, please remember— her mental health issues are her own and not yours to solve or navigate like a minefield.
I want to be sympathetic but alarm bells are ringing with the immediate juxtaposition of “that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
If the issue was that it’s painful to be around her until you can work the feelings out, then that wouldn’t be half as bad as saying that she’s not worth keeping as a friend if you can’t date her.
“that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
Okay I may have not worded it very well there. What I mean is that I don’t want to be in this “friendzone” any more. I really don’t and I don’t see myself being happy remaining as such.
So, if she won’t give herself to you, you can stop wasting your time on her and find someone else to hang around and obsess over?
I recognize this behavior, because I used to do it. Spoiler: it doesn’t work.
Go meet more people, stop treating women differently from men, and remember: getting laid won’t happen until you stop forcing it.
I don’t think it’s wise to treat people you’re romantically interested the exact same you would any other person. That’s how I got into this mess, to be honest. I actually feel like if I were more upfront about it I now wouldn’t have made this post here.
stop treating women differently from men
True and I never have otherwise. But you should absolutely treat people you like differently, at least in the way of what you want with them.
If she’s not a good enough friend that you’re willing to just walk away from her, then dating is probably a bad idea.
It’s nothing about her not being good enough. It’s my own feelings that are in the way.
I disagree with the person you’re replying to - romantic partners and friends have a lot in common but they are not the same thing. And just because you were romantically interested in someone doesn’t mean you owe them friendship. These things are difficult and if you don’t want to keep being a friend for whatever reason that’s fine.
Your feelings for what?
See, what you do is, step 1, buy a mansion. With a huge basement.
Step 2, install several cages in that basement. Full iron bar.
Step 3, hire ninjas to use sleeping darts on her to knock her out.
Step 4, imprison her naked in one of your many basement cells. Each of these cells has a human sized hampster wheel. She now has to run on this hampster wheel all day. Doing so produces electricity, which powers your house.
Step 5, repeat steps 3-4 until all the cells are filled with more naked slaves!
Step 6, install webcams and start a business called “WeRunOnHampsterWheels.com”. Create a new fetish based on bouncy boobs running on a hampster wheel, which you now have a temporary monopoly on, and a head start, and an unfair advantage in being able to create live content 24/7 for free.
Never once show your face in this house. Ever.
Step 7, after years of hampster wheel slavery, you “break into” the mansion, and find this woman you used to know who hasn’t been seen in like 15 years.
Step 8, tell her you COULD get the key hanging on the wall, and set her free…but you only want to see her in a dating sense.
She’ll be so thsnkful that she’ll agree to anything.
Checkmate!
Where am I supposed to get a hamster wheel??
Also, I feel like at that last stage we may as well just remain friends.
See…this is why you’re having trouble finding dates. Women love a man who has his shit together, and has multiple hampster wheels!
I love your commitment to spelling “hampster” with a “p”. At first I thought it was a typo, but now I see it’s crucial to the thing.
But New Hampshire and dumpster have a p…!!
Edit: I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. YOU, CHILD OF THE 90s, IT’S BECAUSE HAMPSTER DANCE WAS SPELLED WITH A P. We are fine, we are sane, but we are still recovering from the 90s Internet. Oh, in so many ways. I can’t believe it took me 30+ years to realize the origin of the P.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you don’t like?
I never said I didn’t like her. It’s quite the opposite.
Just be nice, say your romantic feelings are getting to you too much and that you want to back off if you can’t pursue them. Staying open to occasional contact (like by email) is a lot better than cutting the person off completely.
Getting involved with someone with serious mental health issues doesn’t sound like a great idea either, if they’re not under some reasonable level of control.
As someone who had this mindset from social pressure in their younger years, you should get over yourself. A friendship and a dating/sexual relationship can be separated by being able to let go of the feeling of being rejected.
Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
Your feelings of being rejected are valid, your reaction is counter productive in the long run. Try to be friends, let the rejection go. Focus on putting yourself out there to find someone else.
Removed by mod
I’d like to be friends but only if we can have sex.
Doesn’t really sound like a rock solid friendship there.
