This happens in Germany.
Work culture doesn’t fit my personality: I don’t talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don’t have patience for that crap anymore.
Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I’m quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don’t want to experience that again. Even saying ‘it’s none of your business’ ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don’t have patience for people like that anymore.
So, what do I say?
Start telling a long and rambling story that in no way relates. Keep talking until interrupted.
I remember being on the hiring committee for my new manager. One of the two finalist candidates took several times longer than necessary to answer the questions without adding substance. When we met to discuss our decision, most committee members tried to voice more substantive reasons. Finally someone just cut the shit and said something like “it sounds like no one wants to listen to him talk.” So yes, yammering is an excellent people repellent.
Be sure to punctuate your actions with the occasional “…Which was the style at the time.”
Exactly the example I was thinking of. “Give me five bees for a nickel, you’d say.”
If they ask you to get to the part where the reason for quitting comes up, insist on giving them the “necessary” “context”.
Then continue talking, except this time about some completely different incident. If they ask you to complete the previous incident, insist you were talking about this new incident all along.
I’ve quit a toxic workplace before - I just said “it’s a bad commute”. Nobody can really pick at that reasoning since everyone has way too many personal variables for commutes (even from adjacent houses) to be comprable.
“You! You’re the reason I’m quitting. Yeah, you’re just kind of a shithead, you never do anything, you just kinda run your mouth all day long and I can’t fucking stand it. Like an unbuttered piece of toast thinking it’s interesting…”
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Tell them your shoes are getting old and you’re too lazy to buy new ones, and coming to work is just wearing them out more
Man tbh that can work out to be a nice metaphor for OPs situation.
The colour of the walls irritates me.
“I got an offer I couldn’t refuse.” and leave it at that! The offer might as well be just ‘not having to deal with you guys anymore’.
That’s a glorious response.
But if they probe into it more say, OP should say that they signed an NDA for now due to rules/laws.
“well, with how things are going…”
“You’ll find out soon enough”
“You know about mice and ships…?”
Refuse to elaborate further.Just say personal reasons. Even if they’re nosy and keep pushing, in that case they’re clearly in the wrong to any sane person looking on, because it’s normal to not want to share your deepest most personal problems with your coworkers.
A bearded stranger told me to throw away a ring.
Tell me where is Gandalf for I much desire to speak with him.
Best I can do is have a bearded man expose you as a thief to your neighbours, only to have have his friends party at your home at a later point in time.
Say something like:
“It’s best not to discuss such details at this time”
Which will tell them, yes, there is a good reason, no, I can’t tell you since I don’t trust you.
You will never get in trouble for something like that since you literately are not saying anything.
The bonus part is that if the coworker is cool, they can just reach out to you a week or two after you left and you can be honest if you think they are worth it.
Just start crying everytime and say nothing. They will get unconfortable and leave.
The water is too crunchy here.
They’ve changed the kale vendor at the bistro I frequent, it’s now a much inferior product. Unfortunately the next closest establishment that serves my favorite lemon kale salad is too far away, so I have had to take employment elsewhere.
I won the lottery.
My mental health can’t handle this bullshit.
I had an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.
I have to care for my father/mother/aunt/dog.
I want to travel and see the world.
I hate you.
I hate (insert random coworker/boss here.)
My wife/husband is taking care of me.
Onlyfans makes more than here.
Ha, tell each one that you hate a different one!
"I found something better, but I’m not able to divulge what it is at this time. "
Or
“You! You’re the reason I’m quitting.”
“I won the lottery! No, you can’t have any.”
Or, Give each of them a different reason and watch them go crazy trying to figure it out.
My cat has asthma, we’re moving to a drier climate.
It’s the triple boring combo of pets, manageable illness, and moving.
