Preface, nothing against those that do.
Its increasingly difficult to ever do fun things with my current friends. Now that I’m to the point where I have the space and the money and time to do pretty much anything I want, no one else has any time to hang out. I get ignored a lot, which I get, they care about their family more. But I’m the type of person who likes to host stuff and do things.
Not a huge deal to me, I’m fine being alone, but its like, man, its really fun hanging out and playing some IRL video games or just cruising or walking around outdoors etc. I guess nobody really has time as they get old though. Or maybe I need to find a younger crowd 😆 I have no idea.
I had my prior life completely destroyed, and spent about 5 years getting my health together, and last August began integrating myself back into society. Starting with zero social network, in just a few months of dance classes and social dancing, I have more friends and things to do than I’ve ever had in my life. I do swing/Lindy Hop, which is popular in my area, and also some ballroom dancing, but a lot of people do Salsa/Bachata. I cannot overstate how awesome this has been for meeting people. As a single man, it’s especially powerful, as you have an easy introduction (“would you like to dance?”), you’re immediately in their intimate space, and if you’re any good at all you’re delivering a fun, custom choreographed experience that lights their face and makes them smile from ear to ear. At 60 years old, my social life has never been better, and I’m having fun with attractive women of all age ranges.
You need a 3rd space. Join a sport/hobby/club.
The real problem is meeting people while being selective. Hosting events and posting online is an option but you literally can’t be selective and you’ll have to be okay with nobody showing up sometimes. Attending other peoples events might suit you though!
You could make friends through a multiplayer games dischord.
Going to the same place regularly is a good one. Cafes, Book stores, etc can be 3rd spaces, especially if they host community events. Bars as well but that isn’t gonna contribute to a healthy lifestyle.
Younger crowd works for a bit in your early 30s but every year past 35 it feels less and less natural. It’s not just generational, like they’re in a completely different phase of life. At a certain point you’re just not growing up tbbh.
RE people with kids, you gotta just accept that they’ll participate when they can.
Look into volunteering some of your free time. Search for opportunities that put you out among people, do the things parents don’t have time or energy for. It’s okay if helping the community isn’t your main motivation, the work doesn’t care who does it. And it self-selects the other participants to be somewhat like yourself, especially if you let your interests drive your choice of where to donate your time.
I have thought community gardening would be fun
That’s a great idea.
Just to repeat whatever other people are saying here: Join any scheduled activity that happens weekly.
You can do yoga, spinning, sports when they have 30+ groups, dancing, pottery class, painting class, hiking groups etc.
You can also convert other friend sources to board game groups via house parties where you have easy games first then bring out harder stuff later.
Board games are great its just hard to schedule a night for them !
It is harder to make your friends play boardgames than making friends playing boardgames.
Join a social club. Join a boardgame club. Look online, sometimes people post stuff on Facebook. And go a couple of times, to get the feeling for the attendees. And never forget:
I rather play a shitty game with cool people than play a cool game with shitty people.
In my core friend group, there’s one couple that started a routine “third Saturday” dinner party. They’d host consistently basically every month, kind of open house. If you can make it, great. If not, see you next month! It did wonders for keeping the group together in spite of kids, job changes, life disruptions, etc.
Maybe something similar would work in your case?
Yes, this works well!
I did this with my mates at the pub once a month. An hour or two over a quiet beer, no pressure, just a casual catch-up if you could make it. Couldn’t get everyone each month but across the year we had seen everyone much more than normal
I thought it was absolute genius when they first explained it when I started hanging out with them. It started with an RPG I was playing, one of the guys in that group said “Hey, a buddy might like to join us…” and that buddy was one of the people who hosted the monthly party. That was … oof, like 20 years ago.
Dammit, now I feel old.
Yeah, that is a good idea!
Gay bars would probably be a statistically better place
stay the absolute fuck out of gay bars if you are straight and cis tho
I’m still mad the only gay dance club in my city got run over by the straights. Absolutely ruined.
Oh jeez, so much this. They come in, treat the place like a zoo, spoil the vibe, and behave like they’re in charge.
It’s like that allegory about the Nazi bar, LGBT spaces need constant vigilance against this sort of shit.
buy an island and you’ll find lots of people without kids that like them.
🧐
Club.
Joined a choir and a wind band last year, now I’m on first name basis with the mayor. I didn’t realise that especially the wind band was full of well-connected people.
Join a club, try to find others that are like-minded. I’ve got friends who are recent parents and it made me have a look at my social circle and figured it was time to expand my social circle.
Lots of people are feeling lonely simply because they don’t know where to meet any new people. I’d say see if your place of residence has some sort of meeting center where you could organise something. If only one person shows up it might be a success already.
Do you have many friends that are parents? If you like to host stuff, maybe hosting BBQ or potluck type gatherings that are more family friendly so your current friends are more able to participate?
Otherwise, the third space suggestions are going to be your best bet. Get involved in your hobbies with others, pick up a sport, etc.
I’m an uncle. I bring a popup canopy, extra chairs, and stuff that helps my siblings / other parents at gatherings.
At the last family funeral I brought a bunch of kids fabric colouring bags with markers. Kept all the little ones occupied during the ceremony.
I just got informed that my toddler nephew asks for me and tries to do somersaults like I ‘taught’ him once.
Kids can never have too many good role models. Takes a village to raise a child.
Yes!! My kid has many “uncles” and “aunties” in his life and it’s the best. Thanks for being that kind of uncle :)
hobbies
Yes, I have a million hobbies, but they dont exactly result in friends to chill with
Join a local woodworking guild.
Thats the one hobby I don’t do, I suck at wood ! I like welding tho
Dead ass though, if you like nerdy stuff, go to conventions.
TTRPGs
Many queer people, including couples. Some do of course, but the majority do not.
I retired young, at 38 years old, and moved back to my old hometown. All my childhood friends have since moved away from this place, so I had no local friends when I came home.
I’m now 42. In those past 4 years, I’ve made exactly 3 friends. None of which live close to me. None of which I visit more than once or twice a year.
My wife has made no friends in that time. She’s a bigger introvert than me, choosing to stay in bed 60-70% of the day and going weeks without ever leaving the house. She laments not having any friends, but then won’t make the effort to get to know anyone.
Trying to make friends later in life without kids is hard. Especially as an introvert. And it’s not like I just sit around the house all day like my wife. I’m actively going into town and doing stuff. But it’s hard to strike up conversations with strangers and find common interests.
Wait, why would you move back to a town everyone left? If i retired at 38 I’d be traveling and not living anywhere near my home town.
I feel like it is harder for women to make friends. Idk why that is.
Buy yeah its hard. I also feel like I scare people off by being too friendly, especially in today’s “stare at your phone all the time” world.
Wait, why would you move back to a town everyone left? If i retired at 38 I’d be traveling and not living anywhere near my home town.
I spent 20 years traveling the world and living abroad with the US military. I’ve explored most of Europe, Asia, a little of Africa, and a brief visit to the Middle East (that last one was not fun travel), and as much as I enjoyed it, I realized I was starting to miss my hometown.
My hometown is nearby to a massive US city, so most people here just move to the city. Or get their college education there and then move on to another large metropolitan area in the US. My hometown is a beautiful place to settle down, but most people my age aren’t ready for that yet. Hence why all of my friends have left town.
My wife and I still have plans to travel, but we’re waiting for our elderly dog to finally pass away. He gets stressed with us just being gone for a day, so leaving him in a kennel while we go on vacation might kill him.
We paid for an expensive kennel where he got his own “suite” with a soft bed, tons of toys, TV playing doggy films all day, and multiple one-on-one play sessions with employees outdoors, and he still lost 5 lbs from stress in a week! And it’s a place he’s familiar with; we used to send him and our other dog there before she passed away. Since losing his partner, he just can’t handle being away from my wife and I for extended stretches of time. He’s extremely needy and anxious.
So one day we’ll get back out and revisit some of the wonderful places we lived abroad again. But for now, we’re just enjoying the quiet life back home.
The military was stressful for us, always having to be somewhere, accomplishing something, and adhering to a strict schedule. Our personal lives were always secondary to our jobs and you couldn’t just quit. You were locked into a multi-year contract that could only be broken by doing something illegal and going to jail. So having the freedom to plan my own schedule and do whatever I want with my life is kind of nice.
