Oh Sharon. If you are going to count the minutes early I leave, I’m going to count the minutes late I leave, and I promise you I will cash them in at the least opportune moment.
“no! this isn’t how you’re supposed to play the game!”
-sharon
Good morning Sharon,
I apologize for leaving three minutes early yesterday. In my day-to-day, I tend to focus on completing my tasks efficiently and effectively. Labor is the force that turns the gears in our company, and productivity is the grease that makes our labor fruitful. While I spent 7 hours and 57 minutes yesterday ensuring high productivity, unfortunately, I found it difficult to keep track of every minute that passed during my highly effective contributions.
To my great fortune, you prioritize monitoring clocks. That is your great value-add to this company: you observe the segments of each hour, and provide a human-generated report that cross-references the passively generated output from a clock with identified employees and include a general description of start-stop milestones. Yes, we already have software that features this exact function, and one could argue that you most likely leverage these generated reports to send your findings and summaries to employees who made the same observations during their interactions with the software. But that’s an impressive and unique quality of yours! Where others see plagiarism and redundancy, you’ve strived to prove that persistence and insistence can justify your attendance at this company.
Others may ask, “What value does that bring?” Or, “How does she still work here?” But they lack the imagination to see your amazing potential! Because you’re known for your expert timekeeping and ability to synthesize truths about value-loss based on arbitrary observations, you must also be able to identify value overages from other such arbitrary observations during your daily efforts to observe the passage of time!
While you’re obviously busy generating evidence of your value to this company, I ask for your assistance within your area of expertise:
“Find a way to cover this from one of the days that I accidentally took a short lunch or left late, you useless fuck.”
Much appreciated,
TheFartographerHey Sharon, how about you shut the fuck up?
Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can’t see me, and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Shit boss alert!
Unfortunately the economy is even shittier or I’d say just leave and go someplace where you’ll be appreciated.
This is easy don’t clock out until next day, then complain the next day why everyone clocked out far too early.
Story time: I once had an employer who had me defend myself personally because he saw my Skype go online a few minutes after the official start of work. That same boss was known to sleep half of the day in his own office.
A few months later I was fired and sued their asses. I got a nice compensation out of the settlement.
“In order for me to be at my station at 9am I arrived at 8:55am and got my work items arranged accordingly. I’ll take the extra 2 minutes during lunch. “
You can buy my effort or you can buy my time.
You guys don’t have flexible work times and overtime?
Maybe in 1993
Holy shit, i would be so fucking lazy and difficult for the next week probably 2 if someone sent me an email like this.
My pettiness knows no bounds when it comes to power hungry twats like this one.
I would 100% look in the employee handbook and see exactly what time would be considered late for a disciplinary notice and start coming in at that time exactly. My last job it was 11 minutes after scheduled start time. And I would always tell people that whenever they’d say “you’re late”
Thats awesome. Malicious compliance.
I used to really dread working for shitty bosses, but the older i get the more i enjoy fucking them. They are like spoiled children, conpletely incapable of dealing with an employee that pushes back.
I like to imagine i’ve inspried other employees to also mess with their shitty bosses. one can dream…
I did that when I was young and worked throwaway jobs. I used to have a manager named Rick who would routinely make fun of people’s names… So I would call him Prick. To his face, of course. He tried to fire me once, but he was overruled by the owner.
That’s how you know she’s a good manager
And the worst part is if you stayed 3 minutes too long they would chew you out like you just stole the crown jewels. It’s not about accuracy or doing your job, it’s about control of your life down to the minute. They would do down to the second if they could.
This is why I always showed up several minutes early and left several minutes late. No boss I ever had could accuse me of watching the clock or ducking out early. But some clearly wanted to.
Hey Sharon I noticed you clocked out a few zeptoseconds before the end of your workday. Let’s try to be a little more accurate, hey?
