How have you successfully gotten over a breakup? I did not end the relationship and it was the most significant of my life. I feel confused and trying to understand why. I’m not sleeping well and my anxiety has decided to resurface. I’m ruminating. I don’t have many people to go to about this. Please don’t say I will find someone else, because I can’t go there right now. And I know it won’t happen anyway.
Trying to understand why will cause you even more pain. My advice: treat it as a funeral/loss of a loved one. The time has simply come. Do your mourning and move on. Dwelling on it will only cause my pain and reopen old wounds.
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I’m in my 40s. Bad art sounds like fun!
I’m sorry this happened. It fucking sucks.
Let me try to help.
Your world was shattered and you need a new baseline. One of the (many, many) painful elements of transitioning relationships is loss of routine. It feels like shit because when you hit that old routine, you give yourself a dose of pain as you’re reminded of your reality. Recognize that right now, your previous life is gone and routines need updated.
How do you think about things? I’m a visual, hands on, person. If it were me, I’d grab my digital notebook and start planning.
I need to plan the big beats of the day, and then let the other variables guide me.
I’d break it into three sections: My morning routine, afternoon, and evening.
How are important things like meals and work tackled? Don’t just think about these things, live them! Mentally think about work on Monday. Did your ex give you a ride? You need a new routine. Did they pack your lunch? You need a new routine. Did they cook dinner? Etc.
Finally, how do these routines change for the weekend? 3 more paths.
Good luck. This isn’t easy and it feels like shit. I hope anything I said is helpful.
DM me directly if you have and specific questions or want to share personal details that aren’t appropriate in a forum setting.
If I can help you I will. You’re not alone.
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It takes time, your favorite music, whiskey, friends, food, pot, exercise, tobacco, sunshine, sports, chili cheese fries, boat rides or whatever you like. Just do you for a while!
Edit: Do everything in moderation
The best thing about breaking up with someone is that you’ll get to fall in love again.
Obviously don’t rush that or seek it out, but it will happen at some point.
I always think that breaking up from a decently long relationship is like losing a part of yourself - take your time and make yourself whole before trying to fill that void with the “easy fix” of starting a relationship with someone else.
How do you do that? It just takes time. Do things you love doing. Spend time with people who bring joy to your life. Embrace life! Say yes to new experiences. Be brave.
And then - probably when you least expect it - you’ll meet someone who makes you realise that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened to you.
Thanks, I think taking the time to make myself whole is spot on.
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Time heals all wounds. How long has it been and how long were you together?
Some say “half the length of the relationship” as a rule of thumb to heal, but it varies.
Together a year and 8 months. It ended last Saturday.
Every week it gets a tiny bit easier. In a couple months, you’ll notice a significant difference. Just stay busy
Thanks!
Going through a break up sucks. Like really sucks. There’s no getting around it that I’ve found. It does get better after some time (maybe a lot of time), but I wouldn’t worry about that right now. Exercise seemed to help me with some of the overthinking and rumination. Over time it will get less raw and you’ll likely develop some perspective that will help, But for now take time to grieve and feel sad.
Exercise sounds like a good idea.
Breakups suck, and there’s no shortcut to getting through them.
Time will help you heal. You will go through the morning cycle - look it up, if you need a refresher - and the end of the cycle is “acceptance”. Look forward to it!
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Someone broke things off with me and it still hurts, even if it has been a while. The first month was the hardest, then it gets easier bit by bit. What helped me was keeping busy with work, I had a lot going on to keep me distracted. I tried to do things that I didn’t do before, or that I wanted to try and never got the chance to do, or stopped doing when I got in the relationship. I found it important to try to enjoy my solitude, but that takes time. Go places, even if it’s very near you. I delved into my hobbies to keep my mind off of it. If you can, try to process things bit by bit, just don’t try to escape your feelings in the long run, that fucked me over(It’s been a while since I avoided processing my former relationship so yea).
Yeah, we can’t escape feelings forever. I guess it’s just tough to understand why I have to go through so many difficulties in life.
Again, I’m sorry you have to deal with a lot right now, I wish I could help you. I forgot to add in my original comment to do “the list”. Add to it little by little over time some aspects that stuck with you from the former relationship(if it is not too painful). This is a tool to use for self reflection and to not idealise the former partner(s), it’s useful when I think about reaching out.
For me it’s easier in a way, the relationship that ended sucked, but my mind often recalls what I wanted it to be instead of what it was. Recalling and seeing what went down is crucial for me, because it lets me know how I acted in certain situations and allows me to take responsibility for my actions(and if I don’t like them, to see their root and try to look at it with compassion and patience instead of shame and frustration-still a work in progress for me right now).
While looking forward is scary, there is always something waiting. I thought I would never be worthy of peace or acceotance after I ended a previous relationship, and then the last one happened, which was good when it started. Give yourself time and care, to grieve and recharge. Breakups are exhausting. (Sorry for the long post) I’m rooting for you, and please don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you can, I’m looking forward to an update.
I have. But it took literal years, I think about 3 or 4 years to completely get over it.
That’s a very long time.
Working out and exercising will help boost your seratonin and dopamine levels AND make you too tired to ruminate much at bed time.
Thanks! I do think this will help me.
I sulk for a while while covered in my sadness. When I had a little more strength to come out my sadness what helped me the most is “Yes Man” attitude. I like watching movies but my previous relationship is holding me back, I would go by myself to the movies. Who decided that a nice dinner date needs to be 2 or more. One night after work I feel like eating nacho and a beer, I went to a lounge and ate me amazing warm nacho. I saw a ballet show that’s cheap and for charity, well let’s check it out. I heard fringe is in town, one ticket for me please. I haven’t seen Northern lights well no one is stopping me now. I studied how to read the forecast and found a dark spot out of town. Hmm, how about shooting stars, well there are so much chance in the year to catch it. No need to plan with someone else. Then eventually I have dozens of solo hobbies and just acceptance of the of past. It took me 4 years to be on a relationship but I would say that 4 years of hobbies was fun. Edit: I didn’t actively avoid relationship but I didn’t seek it. I tried tinder and plenty of fish but figured out it’s not for me then I went back to my list of hobbies. I took up photography, kayaking, a friend ask me to go to cabin, we’ll sure! Friends invited me for a vacation, Hmm it’s cheaper if I come early and come home late, I can join their rental then I tried hostel, which was a fantastic choice. I enjoyed the place more with saying yes to the hostel tours than the planned friends days.
When a relationship ends, you’re watching something die. You will have to grieve, like you do for any death. Not just grieving for the end of the relationship, but grieving for all the lost opportunities.  The trips you haven’t taken together, things you haven’t said to each other, the family you never make together.
Unfortunately, it sucks.
These things take time to process, understand, learn from, and eventually move forward with.
You need to adjust to a new normal. And that new normal should be busy. Schedule regular gym visits, classes, language learning, book club, cooking, guitar time, whatever. Productive routine is important and it will help stabilize you.
Sometimes, the pain you feel will be greater than you built in resources for dealing with pain. This is when you add professional counseling to healing regiment. Please sing feel too proud for therapy. Even online therapy companies like BetterHelp are a great resource.
Go out of your comfort zone and say yes to being with people. Invited for after-work drinks, or a birthday party you don’t really care about… go anyways. You don’t have to talk to them about the breakup, just being around others will help you feel less alone.
Also, do a little house cleaning. Rearrange some furniture, get some new clothes, change the rug - something so what you see marks a clear before and a clear after. Take a vacation if you have some PTO and resources. You don’t have to spend any money or go anywhere. Just go to a park and chill on a bench. Relax a few minutes a day.
At a certain point, will be looking forward to tomorrows more than you look back at yesterdays. It could be weeks, months, but it’ll be a sign you’re ready to date.

This is such helpful information!
