For what it’s worth, I was a line cook for 15+ years and I’ve only fucked with one person’s food in a serious way.

I’ve put out half-assed food. I’ve giggled with the waitress while destroying some asshole’s mouth with “smoking tonsils” hot sauce additive. He was a dick to my server and asked for wings as hot as possible. Malicious compliance.

I’ve spitefully skimped a pricks burrito on meat. I’ve hooked-up dope customers that treat all the staff like human-beings by making their food with extra care.

Only one person has ever driven me to hock a giant loogey in their food. They were an employee/driver/dealer/shitbag. And I’d do it again.

It’s not difficult to not get fucked with, just treat the people that make and serve your food with basic human dignity. If you get shitty food or service, maybe think about how much the essential worker serving you is getting paid. Think about what you feel entitled to from an essential worker that will never be paid a median income. Have some empathy and class solidarity.

Fuck tipping culture, but tip your server well. If you can, let the kitchen know you care. Send some drinks or tips their way. Or positive feed back.

Problems happen. You are not a jerk for pointing out (politely) a fuck-up. Just keep in mind that, ultimately, it’s the owners and management that are responsible for a bad restaurant. You have no power to change that except by “voting with your dollar”. And that is kinda bullshit, too. Just remember that no matter how mean or shitty you treat a worker, it doesn’t help anything except your inflated sense of entitlement.

Just please have some empathy.

Funny we hug a line between mass acceptance that you don’t fuck with food and selfish behaviour around disease.

“Wear a hair net.”

“Of course.”

“Wear a mask.”

“Fuck you, let’s wreck the planet.”

This is actually my very favorite kind of reasoning to oppose to conspiracy theorists. I don’t use food though, because people rarely think of death as a consequence of tampering with food: I use air travel.

“So you say I shouldn’t trust anyone, I see… So you don’t fly anywhere?” “What has that anything to do with it?” “Do you realize how many different people are involved in running checks just to keep you alive at any given moment of a flight and even in the airport?”

Usually these people drive everywhere and are borderline against the existence of public transport, so using trains or subway lines doesn’t work.

Your trusting the lowest paid strangers to not have tampered with your food

The only thing that I trust is that I can’t trust anyone that I don’t know and trust personally.

I’m also trusting billions of freeloading foreigners (bacteria) to help digest the food in my intestinal tract and not go rogue or provoke cancer on a daily basis.

Every time you breathe you hope people have not farted in your general direction.

Relatedly, never abuse your pizza delivery driver. He has unsupervised access to your food, and he knows where you live.

Don’t read this before you head to a restaurant.

Can Kansas City’s Hereford House restaurants survive a food contamination scandal?

The water you drink was once dinosaur pee.

That was a plot point in Fight Club

But less if you don’t buy it from a restaurant, and even less if you don’t have Doordash drive it to you.

Everyone should watch the movie Waiting at least once. And not just for the penis showing game.