To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
Always knock before entering his room
Absolutely. I respect his privacy.
Sometimes he wears headphones in his room and I do have to crack the door to have him respond. Is that okay?
Tbh if he masturbates with headphones in the same house as his mother, it’s an important lesson to learn to always keep one ear open for potential knocks. 🤭
Maybe warn him about that so he can avoid the potential trauma
Emphatically no.
Text him or something.
Edit: you do not want to make this mistake
just making sure you’ve seen this nested comment
I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.
I know this is going to be a very awkward conversation, but you have to understand this: he will be finding and watching porn, and most likely already is at 14. Don’t shame him for that. In any way. Let him know that you know, and that it’s normal, but that it’s important to think of it like it’s just the movies. Cos that’s what it is.
This.
I think it’s important to point out that porn is as representative of real sex as action scenes are of real fights.
Instead, it’s a stylised and codified version of things that specifically is designed to appeal to our lizard brains.
Also, get used to saying the word ‘sex’ around him. It’s weird at first, but the best way to make it clear that it’s all a normal part of growing up, is by acting like it’s a normal part of growing up.
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
This, meanwhile on one hand it teached me how to pleasure a woman orally, on the other it created impossible expectations on other areas.
I learned properly about the g-spot and how to massage it with my fingers through a TV program about sex that was aired at nights.
Also relevant - you can’t smell porn. Everyone has a scent, especially when doing a physical activity.
As a guy, best I can say is educate him on what women go through. Make sure he knew what is going on, so he doesn’t look like an idiot with a woman. And so he isn’t like me and learn about how periods actually work when he’s almost thirty because he doesn’t get a joke in a movie.
What he needs to learn at this age isn’t what he will do through, school will do that for him. He needs to know what others will go through. Religious thinking kept most of female anatomy out of the public schools I went to.
There are books for children on this. Lots of them. Read a few and pick ones that fit your values. I suggest providing a few.
He is hearing information already. Much of it wrong.
Plenty of good advice in this thread.
I’m gonna shout out the boy version of the book “what’s happening to my body?”
https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Happening-Body-Book-Boys/dp/1557047650
It was super helpful to me in puberty, even with trusted male figures. It’s written from a non-judgemental, information focused space. It also let’s him has some way of privately seeking knowledge that isn’t just whatever he finds on the internet
I agreed. There is more to raising a son than discussing masturbation.
Being a women is not an excuse for not being able to research these topics around male adolescence.
There are tons of materials and without more information it is not possible to know what the knowledge gaps are and op needs to start reading to find theirs.
Male puberty happens a bit later than female puberty; at almost 14 he’s either in the thick of it or just about done.
I don’t think male puberty is quite as “what the Lovecraftian fuck is happening to me right now” as female puberty. His voice either has or will drop, this isn’t physically painful but it’s not fun how people react to it sometimes.
He is going to GROW. When I was 15 I outgrew a pair of shoes overnight. Came home from school one day, took my shoes off, went to bed. Woke up the next morning, those same shoes didn’t fit. In the next couple years he’s probably going to have some joint or bone aches just from growing so much. My parents fed me Tylenol which did basically nothing, I’m not convinced Tylenol works. It’ll slow down by the time he’s out of high school but where girls are pretty much at adult size at 18 boys will keep growing a bit into their early 20s.
He’s gonna get stronger. Sometimes it’s going to sneak up on him; prepare for the occasional moments of didn’t know his own strength style clumsiness.
Physical activity is a good idea; sports, marching band, shop class, if you can get him up and moving during the day and not packed into a classroom it’ll be good for his brain. Boys don’t really do well sitting in a classroom all day.
For the above three reasons he is going to have a VORACIOUS appetite. I ate 5,000 calories a day and struggled to gain weight in high school. Let the kid eat. A hungry teen is an angry teen. Somewhere around 19 or 20, either in college or in the get a job part of life, that growth spurt is tapering off and there’s less physical activity inherent in life, so the need for calories is going to decrease but his ordering habits won’t. 19 years old is about time to start ordering medium combo meals.
You can expect a certain amount of teenage moodiness; his brain is rewiring itself. He’ll have feelings. Society isn’t okay with this. He’ll learn how to express nothing but anger or amusement. This is ultimately for the best; once he’s an adult he will be expected to do two things: Work and die. Having feelings is accomplishing neither of those so he is expected to…never do that. Some people will ask him for displays of emotions; he will quickly learn that they are not interested in his actual feelings because those would require, like, dealing with or whatever. They want to see an impromptu rom-com performance.
Unexplained genital pain is never normal in males; “it hurts, and it has hurt for awhile now” is reason to see a doctor.
Puberty ends at about 21-23 for women and 23-25 in men. The brain does some crazy af pruning of neurons between 13 and 23. While the actual hormone flood starts early, the entire process takes much longer to complete on a brain function level.
When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. That was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.
Besides all the good advice in the thread, about condoms:
He should be somewhat comfortable with putting on condoms, he has to train that before it becomes necessary. There are plenty of videos explaining it, let him find them and check them out on his own terms. Let him know not every brand fits every man. He will need to overcome the awkwardness of buying them in drug stores or supermarkets, if he finds it awkward at all, he has to get over himself and do it. A possible motivation could be that if girls can buy their period products, he can buy his dick wraps.
I find it very commendable that you think about this problem!
I’d also like to mention that while condoms do stretch, proper sizing is still important. I wish I had realized that earlier.
thanks, i wanted to comment something similar - training is necessary, and i would have been very pleased if someone told me that condoms are not a “one size fits all”-thing at all
If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don’t ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)
That’s about all I can think of that’s gendered, really.
I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it’ll be helpful to do the talk and show that you’re available as a resource.
In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I’d frame it as “I’m sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what’s important.” It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don’t set his expectations on it, it’s people faking things for money.
Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it’s not necessarily about what he’s going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.
Then, I’d just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he’s unsure.
It’s awkward and tough I’m sure, but it’ll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!
Eh, it’ll dry (children are gross).
First off…you are a great parent. Respect. The most important thing I wish I heard at 14 is that changes are normal, sexual desire is normal, a teenagers body is spurting growth and this may be awkward, but also normal.
When I was 14, my knees hurt because of my growth spurts.
When I was 14, there were a lot of awkward arousals that I had to cover with my back back.
When I was 14, I was still smaller compared to others, by 18 I was towering above everybody.
When I was 14 I was a coward with girls. When I really shouldn’t have been.
When I was 14, I was bullied, and wish with all my heart, I would have Stood up for myself…if I had a cthwr figure to tell me that instead of teachers telling me to be peaceful Instead.
Hell, maybe a big brother program would help.
Hell, if you are desperate, DM me…maybe I can help
I think the two big things I have to add are:
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Don’t let the church educate your son on these things.
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Don’t say nothing.
If you’re unsure about talking to them about these things yourself, seek out a man you trust, talk to them about it and make sure your values align, and then talk to your son about them together.
- Why do you think I don’t know anything? Lol So that’s not a worry.
- That’s what I’m trying to fix.
Unfortunately, I do not have any close male friends, so I may need to address things myself.
Ah, didn’t mean for my advice to seem disparaging in anyway, so I apologize if that seemed the tone of it.
Luckily, as others have mentioned on the thread, there’s a ton of great resources online to help you out. You’re going to do great, and when your son is older, he’ll be grateful that you took the time.
No no! I just get frustrated with myself for not always being able to provide proper resources for him.
I do appreciate the help! Thank you.
You’re welcome. You’re going to do great. :)
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I never received any kind of talk from my parents. Also, in my home country, during the communist era and even after, sex ed in schools was taboo. Crazy thing too, since it had (and still has) one of the highest teen pregnancy numbers in Europe.
Anyway, I did not want that with my kids. Luckily where we live now there is a strong sex ed program in schools, but also at home, we were always open. We talk about sex casually, we reiterate “always ask for consent” and “no means no”, and my son even ratted out one of his school buddies who’s a Tate fan. He knew that what the guy was saying was wrong, so they don’t hang out anymore.
Also, sexuality. One of my daughters came out to us over dinner, so casually, “dad, I think I’m gay”. I just said “cool” and gave an awkward fist bump.
Just be open, casual, don’t make things weird.
At some point. For the love of all that is holy you MUST tell you son the following: Never come in a woman unless you want a baby. Even if she tells you to. Even if she claims she is protected.
NEVER COME IN A WOMAN WITH WHOM YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A BABY
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Was with you until this line. C’mon now.
It does happen. Had a woman poke holes in all of the condoms in my nightstand when I was 18. She later admitted she thought I was going to leave her when I was going to a University and she was going to the state college. I’m sure it is rare that such happens, but I wouldn’t fully dismiss it. I was paranoid after that and always went to the bathroom after and filled the condom with water to make sure they hadn’t broke or had a hole in them after sex. It wouldn’t do anything to prevent it at that point, but at least I had the peace of mind I guess that I knew it wasn’t leaking and could get a 9 month head start on planning.
It absolutely happens, no doubt! Never disagreed with that!
But putting out such a general statement like “women will baby-trap you!” is such a broad statement. Statements like that are often used to stir up hostility and is a common tactic used in spaces that are anti-women.
Me saying “men will assault you!” would not be acceptable and would get me attacked and downvoted to hell. It’s astounding to me that statements like this about women are supported.
Yeah it really wasn’t the response I expected to teaching your child about their body. Not sure what that person has been through, but it did seem random. I expected responses like how to properly clean oneself.
Yeah… don’t love the “women will be actively trying to ruin your life”–angle.
However, it’s a good idea to let him know that some potential partners will have bad/manipulative intentions, no matter the gender, and how to look out for that.
I made no mention of my kid’s orientation, so… make of that what you will. Lol
Yeah, people make stupid decisions no matter their gender, ideologies, or whatever else. I think one of the things I wish I would have learned more about at that age was the absence of structure. School is all very structured. Everything is about checking a box. Get this prerequisite, go to these classes. Be there at set times, get a set grade level and you will be fine. Get a certain score on the SAT/ACT or what not and you will be fine. Everything is almost definite. Once you leave high school/college there really isn’t any of that for your life unless you create it yourself. Get a job sure, within that job they will have structure. Nothing is telling people to check these 3 boxes and then move out of that job in 3 years and into the next step, as the steps no longer exist and staying in a single job is unlikely to land you where you need to be successful. Loyalty to a company doesn’t mean you will get raises or promotions. I wish I would have spent more time creating the maps and goals I want to achieve outside of the structure given to me, and work on achieving those goals and creating timelines they need to be done by. A certificate to move up/diagonal in my field, map it out and when and where you want to throw those 100 resumes out too and hope one of them will come back. Then already be working on other structured steps curated for my life aspirations.
I procrastinate on many of those things, because there are no due dates. It’s go to work, make dinner, clean, mow lawn, take care of chickens, blah blah blah to get to the next day week year, but then you never get around to improving yourself because I never set required boxes for me to check.
You need to understand that is one of a host of reasons and things that can be said. I’m not going to write a 40-page essay. Frank talk is necessary, too bad you can’t see that and choose to focus on the gender thing. That’s really about you and not me. Frank talk about all aspects of sex is vital. Get a grip.
edit: And I’m not going to sit here and qualify my statements carefully in case you’re too in-the-weeds to focus on underlying points. I don’t need to “not every woman” and bs like that. You should be smart enough to not need constant pandering to and kid glove treatment.
Do you think “frank” means “without nuance or care for how what I’m saying could be misconstrued as bigotry”?
Like, literally the only change I know I’d like to see is “there are some women who” and like… that’s hardly an imposition, y’know? Definitely not a “40 page essay” either.
Doesn’t even need to be a trap, accidents happen (i.e. missing a dose of birth control).
yeah honestly this is the only thing
Honestly, the majority of key points to talk about can be found online from respectable sources (for example, this article from Johns Hopkins, though there are many others). There is a better than even chance he has shady looked up the “Is this normal” stuff himself if he has normal internet access.
From a social standpoint it’s going to be different for everyone, teenage years are hard and kids are often cruel. I’d advise to just be there for him on this front, but don’t be pushy. He is going to be moody, lash out sometimes, and act differently. That is all normal. He is going to want to push boundaries and get in trouble (rather do things that will get him in trouble, most folks don’t actually want to get in trouble). Give him safe room to explore who he is and to try new things without letting him fall down too hard.
Lastly, you say there are no trusted male figures in your life, but that doesn’t have to be family. Good friends can also fill that space. I have to imagine there is some guy in your life that could have heart to heart, even just with you to then talk to your son. It’s worth trying to broaden your expectation of what a trusted male figure is perhaps.
Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.
There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for ‘protein’. Wash cold.
Erections at random times will 100% happen. It’s expected.
Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.
Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.
I wish I had known when I was young that you can stealthily flex muscles like hamstrings and glutes to end an unwanted erection. It draws blood to those muscle groups and away from the erection.
