I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
- CGP Grey
I have to be honest, this made my day
CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.
Til he had a podcast
He’s still in the Cortex podcast :)
Til about the Cortex podcast
Is it still a Apple podcast?
They talk about Apple products, but that’s not something I concern myself about. I just like vibing with Grey’s beautiful mind
I love this advice.
Sadly if I had to expand on the analogy, I hate a warm and humid climate. I’ve learned to function in social situations, but never to be comfortable in them. I want nothing more than to be left alone by people I don’t know.
I am painfully aware that to get to interact with more people I already know and like, I’ll first have to interact with people I don’t know, and might not like. And that makes it even harder to get over that hurdle. And my asocial ass is not actually that bothered by loneliness so I just don’t bother.
The common advice is to do things you enjoy, and meet people who also enjoy those things, but my enjoyment of something is quite closely linked to how alone I get to be.
If dealing with other people is involved, I just won’t be as into it.
The warmer waters could also mean a place of comfort for you, and by being in a place you like and being comfortable you are more likely to meet someone compatible. It also feels less like a chore because you don’t have to chase or get out of your comfort zone so much.
I like to be alone, I hate when it gets too loud and can easily get overwhelmed by crowds. My wife and I spend plenty of time doing things in our own space or spending weeks apart. We both value alone time. Find yourself someone who values what you value.
Yeah no. This is just the exact same advice I can’t use. I know all this. I don’t think you understand my problem.
For me “warmer waters” means less people. Even when doing things I like in an environment I enjoy, the presence of people, or even a single person, puts me off. Always.
I like going to the gym, but I like it best in the middle of the night at the 24/7 gym when no-one else is there.
I like to move to music. I hate dancing with another person.
I enjoy multiplayer games, but I have zero interest in in-game chats of any kind.
I could go on.
The things I like, I enjoy MORE alone. Doing any of it in a way that introduces the possibility of getting to know a new person significantly reduces my desire to engage, or ruins my interest entirely.
The person I’m looking for, who enjoys the same things I do, isn’t someone I will meet while doing things I like in the way I like doing them. Because doing them in a way where I might get to know someone, means doing them in a way I do not like.
I do not enjoy the process of getting to know someone, there is no context where it becomes painless and effortless, because the thing I don’t like is the fact that another person is involved. Every word they say might be exactly what I want to hear, but it doesn’t alleviate my desire to be somewhere else, even as my excitement at meeting someone I might like, grows.
I don’t “value” my alone time. I literally can’t get enough of it. My alone time is so inoffensive to me I feel basically no need to change how I live my daily life, just so I can eventually find someone whose company I can simply enjoy once I get past the chore of getting to know them.
And the energy investment for me to make friends is insane. I basically have to feign wanting to be in someone’s company until I know them well enough for it to be true, and that’s a process that continues for me well past the point of my realising I like someone.
Even as I start wanting the company of a particular person, once actually in it, I want nothing more than to be alone again. It takes me years for that go away completely with someone, and during all that time I have to resist my desire to leave/kick them out, because if I do, things will never progress past that, and into the phase where I just… enjoy having a relationship.
I like this advice. It’s true. But some of us simply don’t work the way it precludes.
For me to find another person like me, I’d have to be making an “expedition” into warmer waters, fully intending to leave them as soon as provisions run out. And then during that, run into someone else doing the same. That is astronomically unlikely, especially due to how rarely I can scrounge up the provisions for an expedition.
I’m far more likely to run into people who are comfortable living in the warm waters. That’s not a problem. As long as they don’t mind visiting me in my cold waters, they can make for excellent relationships.
But it does mean people like me can’t directly apply this advice in the way it is presented.
No matter what so many people say, it’s not mandatory to have a partner!
Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn’t waste your life chasing wrong goals.And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health… and if you’re seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.
Also, expanding on that, if you go into every interaction with a narrow expectation (e.g. to find the love of your life) you will be disappointed almost all the time but if you keep an open mind you might come out of that with some other positive interactions (a new friend, an interesting conversation, …) than you expected or were hoping for.
I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.
I have a a couple of close friends, but they’re all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.
Fucking A…as a 42 year old guy who has not been married but been in relationships for the last 12 years…take the time to learn what you want, not settling for what’s available. Also listen when a person tells you who they are.
it’s not mandatory to have a job or a car or a house.
but the vast majority of us want those things and a life without them is pretty shitty.
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
And if that fails, if you do hobbies you love with other people, at least you’ll make new friends.
Nothing is less attractive than the stink of desperation. I said the same thing to a friend of mine. He was out of a relationship and looking for a new one. Within 6 months of not trying to find someone and just enjoying his life, there she was.
About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked
I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn’t a one off like I’ve been told before (which is amusing because I’ve had it happen multiple times since).
Don’t.
Okay, that could easily be misinterpreted. What I mean is don’t look for one. Live your life. Get to know yourself. Find some hobbies, start some projects, do some cool shit. Not as a resume for a relationship, just to do it and be fulfilled. You don’t need to find someone right this moment.
The worst relationship I ever had was because I was young and lonely and bored and I ended up dating someone who nearly destroyed my life and dominated everything about it. Took 5 years to get away from it. Subsequent relationships suffered, though not because my partners were awful, I just wasn’t worth dating.
At some point, I just got tired of it and “retired” from dating. I took care of myself, did things that interested me, and relaxed for a few years. Just me. I got really happy just being with myself. Then, my best friend of nearly 20 years and I ended up starting a thing nearly on accident, and now (a few years later) we’re very happily married. Absolutely would not have been possible unless I’d spent the time to figure myself out.
Maybe a relationship will just come to you and maybe it won’t. A lot of the advice you get in these kind of threads is like ‘just be yourself’ or ‘don’t be desperate’ or ‘be comfortable on your own’ or whatever. None of that ever worked for me. I was never able to just be myself or be on my own without feeling lonely and desperate and that made me seem weird and off-putting to potential partners. Honestly it took recognizing my mental issues, getting serious about finding a solution to them, and working on them for a while before I was able to act like a normal human around someone I was attracted to. In the end what worked for me was a combination of Buddhist meditation and some kind of therapy. But everyone is different. YMMV.
On the other hand maybe you are perfectly comfortable in yourself, are handsome and charming, and have no trouble talking with women, but you just met some women with issues of their own. If so, just try to get out more and meet more people. In that case it’s a numbers game and eventually you’ll find the right one.
You can be single and still have lots of friends and socializing.
It took me like 5 years of heavy app use to finally meet my wife. I met a few nice people in that time, but the process was honestly extremely depressing and difficult.
I hate dating app culture… but I also have some social anxiety which makes meeting anyone organically virtually impossible.
For me the apps just ain’t worth it so I got rid of them. There’s a whole sense of commodification abiut that that’s just awful and I find I’m happier without them.
That’s dating in general for most folks, apps or not. It takes a lot of time and investment and risk.
Hit the Lawyer, delete the Gym, Facebook up.
No wait
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products… they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have ‘requirements’ that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates… if there is any awkwardness or imperfection… they believe this is intolerable. I’ve had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don’t meet.
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The things that always works for me is stop trying and just working towards being a person I would want to have in my life.
At some point you will find yourself in a relationship without really knowing how it happened.
Yes. my major complaint in life is that most of my dates want to date a man who is a better version of themselves, but don’t want to do the work to be that person themselves. They just seem to think they can absorb qualities via dating a better person or something, it’s bizarre.
basically most of my relationships ended because she refused to do the work to improve her life, and wanted me to do it for the both of us.
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Yeah, if you’re an atheist in the rural south, you’re not gonna have a good time.
Dating apps are garbage these days but I am an indoor person. Tinder can be viable for real relationships. I met my girlfriend on there and we’re a perfect match. I had in my profile that I was a gamer and played Overwatch and within 10 minutes of chatting we were playing online and in voice chat. She messaged me first. Now we’re spending most nights and weekends together. Unfortunately what I did was pay the stupid troll toll that Tinder takes to have unlimited swipes and then just swipe right on literally everyone. Women tend to be more choosy on online dating than men, and having both parties have to choose each other is just another layer of shit to get through before having a conversation. It’s shitty but that’s how modern dating apps operate. The apps of 10 years ago were so much better than this shitty instagram picture first RNG powered gacha game bullshit we have today but you can still find truly amazing relationships with them.
This book contains the latest research of what makes a man attractive to a woman:
https://annas-archive.org/md5/d7b5ceb2699ed79b4b4db586ef435eb0
It’s pretty high-level, but important knowledge nonetheless. All of it is true in my experience.
I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
However, this is an incredibly important mindset, if it means what I think it means. You have to truly be ok with being alone for the rest of your life. Just do whatever gives you most pleasure/fulfillment and talk to girls wherever you see them incidentally. Just go about your life, put yourself in situations that you like where other people exist, and strike up conversations.
It’s completely ok to talk to someone at the supermarket, on the street, wherever. Many women fantasize about it in a romantic way. Many women obviously want to be left alone. You have to calibrate your empathy and figure out who is interested or not. But you are allowed to approach and state your interest. Just "dont be creepy"™
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Well, Tinder doesn’t has the best reputation. Not to shit on the users. Everyone I met through Tinder was super nice and I had a great time during those dates. But the App itself tries to drive you crazy and throw money at it. I don’t know where you’re from, but I’m sure there is a better alternative.
The best advice I can give is: Focus on yourself. Treat yourself good. Learn to love yourself. Then put yourself out there (maybe in one of those pesky bars?) and voilà! You start meeting new people. I cannot stress enough how attractive contentment can be. No one wants a sad lump.
