The brutality immediately gives away this is not the onion though, they never had headlines as harsh as the ones reality gives.

I heard it’s not the upper class that’s going there

The “article” is an ad posing like an op-ed at best.

I guess that’s why they put not necessarily there.

It represents, or at least did, the largest, most influential countries in the world during much of the cold war.

They had their positions before the cold war started, as they are the “winners” of ww2 (despite Paris was occupied by the nazis).

Captain, where are you? I need translation for every word except mushrooms, captured and by.

It’s worse:

Asha Sharma, Xbox CEO, ran a poll on X earlier this week, asking fans whether Microsoft should use Xbox or XBOX. The results were in favor of XBOX, and the company has now renamed its X account.