Yeah, mate. When my ex left me, even my older brother asked me to not come to parties at his place because it made her uncomfortable.

She was there with my brothers’ friend. She had been seeing him for a while and I was the last person to know. The whole time she had been telling anyone who found out about them that I was abusive and to keep it quiet for her protection (yet she was verbally and financially abusing me).

In the end I was shunned by almost everyone that I knew. I lost my home, my friends, most of my family and ended up in debt for years as a result.

Only my younger brother stood by me and stood up for me. Everyone else believed her. When I started dating my (now) wife, she was approached by several of my old “friends” and told that I was ‘bad news’ and to avoid me because I was abusive. My (now) wife told them she was “a grown woman and capable of making up her own mind, thank you very much!” We’ve been together 22 years, married for 17 years and have two amazing kids. In the end, though I suffered, I have come through way better off than I was then. The perspective that I have gained has made me much more aware of the value loyalty, friendship and love.

My ex married and had a kid with the brother’s friend. They didn’t last 5 years. She pulled the same shit with him, but nobody believed her this time. They had seen the same playbook when she cheated on me. He’s still single, and she’s with another ex-friend’s brother, burning bridges as she goes…

Just take small steps, my friend. Start a journal. See a counselor. Get up every day and see what it brings. You never know what’s around the corner. Eat right. Exercise. Just exist in the world without expectation and you’ll find your place. May it be filled with joy.

This is a common experience. But before you listen to the gender war bullshit about how it’s just not fair to be a man, consider some of the other explanations.

I’ve been abandoned, and I’ve been the friend who chose the girl. And I’ve learned some important things.

1. it’s the couple who forces friends to choose. most people would keep both relationships, but people going through breakups are myopic and insist.

2. I chose to be friends with the girl because she was a better friend. Not because I was endorsing her grievances.

3. I can’t blame my friends for choosing my ex. I would have abandoned any of them for her.

Hey. This happened to me a few years ago. Had a great friend group of many years, started dating my best friend in the group. They raped me, then slandered me and accused me of accusing them of a bunch of stuff before I talked to anyone.

All my friends believed them.

It was fucking devastating. Honestly, I still couldn’t tell you what hurt the most out of that situation but suffice it to say losing everyone in my life at the same time really fucked me up for a number of years after.

My lived experience aligns with yours in that 98% of people are lying, cheating, selfish bastards. People are lazy, and don’t really care about what’s right but rather what’s convenient, and it’s usually more convenient to just not examine the situation and go along with the group. After all, they don’t want to lose their friends too *sigh

In the end, people will be people and believe whatever. There may be some self reflection needed from you in this situation but don’t ruminate on what they do or don’t think about you. Focus on being someone you like and are happy with.

I had the same problem socially with being tight in the local music scene, small venues, hard to make new friends because everyone is cliquey. Honestly it was super weird to read your post because it mirrored my experience post break up almost exactly (minus the rape trauma hopefully).

5 years later I have a handful of good friends and people I’ve built new meaningful friendships with. It’s hard to meet people, let alone people you really vibe with, but for me, I met them all in the oddest of places at the oddest of times. It sounds cliche, but you just have to stay open and keep going out. You don’t have to open up and be vulnerable with everyone you meet, but stay friendly, and be vulnerable with the people that reciporicate over time, and be forgiving/ give people the space and time to be human/ adults/ busy.

Depends on who they blame the breakup on.

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Did you know the friends first, or did your partner know them first? Or did you meet them at the same time?

Normally people back their friends up even when they are the bad guy but if you were equally as much a friend they should stay neutral.

In my experience, people often make choices based on not cool things. Sometimes it depends on the personalities of people involved and they go with who is in a bigger position of power. It can also depend on the information that they provided or have access to. For instance, if you broke up with someone who is vengeful or dishonest, they might spread a lot of lies about you. They can be very sneaky and plant the seeds of suspicion. Unfortunately, I’ve also learned that some people will just believe anything without actual evidence or even logic.

For example, one person I split up with ran a forum about 15 years ago. She immediately banned me from the forum, and then was saying a bunch of really exaggerated or just plain false things about me in a private area of the forum to a couple dozen people we had both known for years. I was blocked from there, so I didn’t even know what she was saying and I couldn’t defend myself, and these people believed all these crazy things about me. It’s nuts to have people spreading really defamatory stories about you and you don’t even know what they are and have no chance to defend yourself or refute them.

More recently I’ve seen stuff like someone had a live stream, and we had a handful of friends and acquaintances who would watch it. After we split up, people doing pretty weird and annoying trolling on there. She just kept saying without any evidence that it was obviously me and I’m so crazy, so nuts, so lonely, so drunk and so on. And then if I go on and I’m like what what the hell? I’m not doing this, I just get blocked and ridiculed.

So in either situation, some people around still talked to me and stayed friends, they said things like “well, we didn’t even know of what she was saying was true”, but it definitely raised a lot of serious distrust and suspicions that harmed friendships. Total smear campaign. However, people stuck with them more than me because I was cut out of contact, and they had more advatanages hanging out with that person than me - stay on the forum, stay on the stream.

So in general, it seems to me like people go to one side or the other. It’s hard to be friends with people who totally hate each other. You have to make sure you don’t mention one to the other. And also, it leads to resentment. Like if there’s this person who totally screwed me over, it irritates me that someone would still be friends with them after seeing what an awful person they can be and I feel like if they’re still friends with them, they’re not standing up for me. I don’t like people trying to dictate who I’m friends with myself, but still I think OK, so my ex lied to me cheated on me stole from me, and is still trying to harm me, and they’re just like oh, that’s cool.

It’s totally common. People you’ve known for years turn on you.

Ha ha ha there’s no such thing as mutual friends, silly

Microdose ketamine. You’ll be able to actually process and work through this shit in much less time than years of therapy. (Therapy is still great though. Do that too.) I can’t recommend it enough. Ruminating on this kind of thing is brutal; I speak from experience. Ketamine derails that spiral and lets you move on and feel good about yourself.

OP your post history is public. The reason your friends abandoned you is because you raped your ex gf. Any other questions?

And to think you want a safe space. What a fucking joke.