Nurse here. I’ve wiped a cumulative mile or two of stranger ass crack, so… I know a thing or two about poop.

The answer is:

If everything’s working normally, your bowels will reabsorb water until it becomes solid. They’re really good at reabsorbing water.

If everything’s working normally.

If you’ve got the Hershe’s squirts, things are not working normally. So… you’ll probably just shit your pants.

*snaps glove*

Now spread em.