The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything.

Edit: The Dalai Lama pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill, but the vendor doesn’t give him any money back. The Lama asks for his change. The vendor says change must come from within.

Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend, inside it’s too dark to read

A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice inside his head. It says, “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He shrugs it off, but pretty soon he hears it again. “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He keeps trying to ignore the voice, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he’s hearing it constantly - “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!”

Finally he can’t stand it. he decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas. The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, “Go to Caesar’s Palace!” He takes a cab to Caesar’s Palace. The voice says, “Go to the roulette wheel!” He makes his way back to the roulette wheel. The voice says, “Bet it all on Red twenty-three!” He bets every cen he has on Red twenty-three.

The wheel spins around, and it stops on Black eleven. The voice says, “Fuck.”

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the frog fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the monkey!

What’s the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton isn’t going to let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Seriously, though, it’s really bad taste to make jokes about Clapton’s son, since he was a very prolific writer. Not many people know this, but he did nearly 50 stories before his death.

A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”

The genie says, “Check your pants.”

The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”

Genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy…

Therapist: Your wife says you don’t pay attention to what’s going on in her life and you’re not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.

Husband: Gosh, I guess that’s true. I mean… I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

A preacher tells his congregation that next Sunday he will be doing a sermon about the sin of lying. In preparation, he asks them to read Mark 17.

The next Sunday, he asks them to raise their hand if they read Mark 17. Everybody raises their hands.

The preacher says “that’s funny because there is no Mark 17, Mark only has 16 chapters. Now on to my sermon about the sin of lying”

This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.

Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She couldn’t see that well.

Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?

He was hung like this: Spread your arms out as if on a cross

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

All of these jokes reminds me of the joke about jokes.

You see, back in the vaudeville days, social clubs were popular. Secret societies, fraternal orders, et cetera. So all these comedians got together and created the National Order of Comedians, Clowns and Jokesters. Every year they would have a national conference, and each member would get up on stage and tell a joke. See the comments here if you want to relive the experience.

As the years passed, since all the members were extremely professional and took humor seriously, and with the NOCCJ taking in new members, they decided to save time and just tell the punchlines. So a comedian would go on stage, say something like “wrecked him? Damn near killed him!” And everyone would chuckle, and then pass the mic to the next person.

Well more years passed and they got even more members, the NOCCJ was huge. So to save even more time, they made The List. All the jokes were on the list, and each joke got a number. So a comedian would get up on stage, say something like “57”, everyone would politely clap, and then pass the mic and keep going.

Last year though, something happened. I was, of course, there, sitting in the crowd, and things were going on as they have been for years. “34” clap clap. “876” clap clap. “358” clap clap. “277” clap clap.

Then someone, I couldn’t tell you who, got on stage and said “478”.

From the back, this old man starts laughing. He’s got tears streaming down his face, he’s roaring with laughter, falling out of his chair. He’s laughing so hard people are worried he’s going to have a heart attack! So we rush back to him to see if he’s all right.

We got to him and pull him off of the floor, and someone asks him “what’s going on? Are you ok??”

Panting, still crying from laughter and wheezing, he yells out… “I HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!”

A mild mannered working man one day hears a voice in his head whispering, “Give up everything and go to the casino!”
. The man is a little freaked out, but he puts it down to stress and ignores it. But the voice is there every day, day in and day out, not giving him a moments peace, whispering in his head, “Sell everything you own and go to the casino!”
.
This goes on for weeks, months. “Take all your money to the casino…it is your destiny!” Finally he can’t take it any more, so he gives in and sells his house, his car, everything and takes the money to the local casino. He bursts in the door like a wild man and yells out, “OK! I’m here! Now what ?!”
.
The voice whispers, “take all your money to the roulette table and bet on 15 black.” The man shouts back, “Why should I ?!” The voice responds, “Do this, and you will have your answers!”
.
The man stalks over like a crazy man and puts a bet down, all his money, on 15 black. The ball drops, the roulette wheel spins, around and around it goes. The man watches it with feverish intensity, until finally the ball stops on…2 red.
.
The voice in his head whispers, “…fuck!”

“How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?” “Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother…I MEAN THE LADDER!!”.