For context: I’m not from a western background. I’m Asian.
You don’t. Love is expressed by things people do, not what they say.
I don’t agree with your premise, love languages are real, and some people, like me, what are called words of affirmation are very important and receiving them feels like receiving love, and when people don’t speak the same love language, an act significant to the giver may not be received and felt as significant by the receiver
I think most parents genuinely care about their kids and love them to the fullest extent they know how. I think it just gets lost a lot of the times because parents are also just people with decades of their own trauma who probably had kids before they really worked on themselves enough. Sometimes they’ll show you “tough love” (read: unkindness) because from reflecting on how they were raised, they think it will be good for you. If you try to understand what their belief system is, you’ll probably start to see how they believe they are helping you.
Ex) My mom never wanted kids, and told me so herself. She didn’t spend much bonding time with us. But she worked a lot in laborious jobs and always cooked us healthy meals even though she didn’t like cooking either. She doesn’t enjoy interacting with kids, but she still loved us by trying to keep us as healthy and financially stabile as possible. This also reflects some of the struggles she experienced when she was a kid dealing with food rations.
Do they respect you as a person? Do they let you have your own space and life? Do you feel like they are being fair and reasonable with their expectations of you? Do they get mad so they have an excuse to write you off or ignore you?
A person who loves you will always be reasonable towards you and treat you like a human being. They won’t be a perv and go through your stuff or gossip about you. They won’t try to take from you, but fair expectations are fair.
Do they sacrifice themselves for you or do they sacrifice you for the benefit of themselves?
There’s a poignant scene in Squidbillies where Rusty meets his “mama” and she was like “Oh i didnt want you to grow up in a home and parent who doesn’t love you, or with her if she couldnt benefit from him in any way”
Her honesty about that is seriously refreshing. I had a mother who abused and used the shit out of us and would moan to make us give her permission to treat herself when her entire fucking life was a treat at our expense
In case of my mother: she does not say stuff she does not mean
Father: he is “simping” us childrenIf you do something bad and they beat you, they don’t love you. If you do something bad and they yell at you and make you fix it or help you fix it, they love you.
They used to slap the palm of my hand when I was like… I forgot… but I was very young… I don’t really have any memories of corporal punishment after like 10, since I got bigger and you know, I could just run and hide or block it or fight back. I think it could be because of the fear of CPS (we moved to the US when I was 8, and the general vibe is that “physical disciplime” is less accepted here). Not sure, but anyways, they stopped doing it.
I don’t remember dad ever doing that, it was always mom.
But I don’t remember ever getting hit in like any where like organs or anything vital
But evem after, they yell a lot… I kinda feel a lot of anxiety whenever my mom is near…
And yes, I recognize this as abuse, no need to remind me. I hated it. But then again, we came from China, filial piety BS, and that’s how my parents probably grew up… so… idk if I could judge them by the conservative/“traditional” culture they grew up in. Idk why I’m lowkey downplaying it… Maybe this is some stockholm syndrome or trauma bonding or something, idk, my brain is weird… brains are weird…
But then I again… do remember having a lot of positve memories of them… I did have many moments of happiness… I think… with a few traumatic moments sprinkled in between…
I have separation anxiety when it comes to my parents. I wasn’t able to live on campus because the anxiety overwhelmed me. And so I pause college like indefinitely until my depression gets fixed. And they did pay for my college, so… there’s that…
They did make a lot of “sacrafices” so… there’s that.
I don’t think I was ever really deprived of food/water. My basic survival needs were met, but my emotional needs were… not always met… like… there are times where my mother have spend time with me, and it was really wholesome and sweet, and I remember that calm loving motherly voice. I remember feeling like she cared for me, I think, I remember her worrying about me.
But I also remember those times where I felt lonely. Those times where I get yelled at, and I felt afraid, and I cried a lot. (sorry I know I sound pathetic)
But then again, it also has to do with the fact that… in this world… society views money as the most important thing… so parents were busy all the time and had to work… regardless of if when we were China or the US (although the US generally paid better, which why we moved)…
so their partial emotional neglect could be also attributed to society’s fault…
so…
so… its a very complex relationship…
I simultaneously appreciate them for what they did…
But also fear them and kinda hate them…
But I’m on their healthcare plan and I kinda want them to pay for my um… medical bills, that I’m probably gonna incur soon since I’ll have to restart treatments…
which was paused because they were kinda skeptical of psychaitry so I felt guilty and didn’t wanna be a burden so I stopped taking medications and stop going to the doctor (PCP, not a specialist) because I was just too depressed to go…
I mean the PCP told me to find a psychaitrist…
but that where I’m at… kinda hard to look aroud for one that accept the insurance + accepts new patients + they don’t “feel sketchy” to me (like say… located in a rough part of the city, for example)…
but I asked mom if she was willing to pay for it and she agreed to… I mean it’s not like I can pay for it…
so… 🤷♂️
I guess its kinda my lifeline… because I’m very close to just ending it if they stopped supporting me. I really really wanna just jump off a nearby bridge like tomorrow… but I can’t tell a doctor about it because I don’t wanna get locked up.
Definitely find a therapist. Don’t depend on the internet for catharsis or advice.
How do you tell that with anyone other than through how they actually treat you? Those words are an way of affirming what you already know to be true through some sort of evidence.
I take some time to myself to reflect, shum, and think about cabbage
You just do(?)
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