The problem is the other people in their 30s are boring, miserable, and second-guessing their life choices constantly. Even if they made the effort to be friends, I couldn’t stand them. The only people that don’t do that are my friends…my old friends…in my old city…far, far away… Oh, god I’m miserable and second guessing moving here.
My 30s were so so so much better than my 20s, it wasn’t even funny. I partied practically non-stop from the point my 1st marriage ended in my early 30s, to when my 2nd one began at 41. I made tons of new friends, dated around a lot and had the best time of my life.
Now that I have 2 kids, a stressful job and my money evaporates the moment it hits my bank account, I also have lost all my friends. The only ones I have now are other adults with kids around the same age as my kids, because that’s pretty much the only time you get to socialize with other adults.
The secret is: hang out with people younger than yourself and/or get involved in a scene. I’m a musician so I just went to shows or met people at mine. It doesn’t have to be that though, I also joined a volleyball team and while I stunk up the joint, I also got to meet a bunch of cool people. Really most friendships are based on proximity and common interest, so if you’re into movies, go to movie festivals or special showings. Go to meetups, get involved in a political campaign (if you’re political).
That’s my experience and advice too. I just naturally find friends that are on average 15 years younger than me. I’m early 50s and most friends are mid-30s. Working at a university for years sort of established that pattern and it has remained even though i went corporate.
I mean, have you met US Americans in their 50s? For me it’s the lack of imagination they tend to exhibit. I’m a perpetual child myself, no kids, no plans or desire for any. Younger friends have interests and dreams, still. I do too!
I find the quiet desperation that oozes from people in my age cohort to be off putting. If you are desperate, stop being quiet about it!
Having younger friends keeps me optimistic because younger generations seem to have looked behind the curtain and have partially deconstructed the illusions we are ruled by. Maybe there’s hope?
Which cities did you move from and to?
It’s not impossible, that’s exactly how I was summoned
I’m in my late 30s, and I have found that making friends is different, but not necessarily harder. If you’re still thinking back to high school/college days where you had “the boys” or “the girls,” that’s just not realistic. People have jobs, hopefully careers, spouses, kids. If your primary focus is on exclusive friend time in your 30s, that is very difficult to find. Most people have more than just friends going on in their lives–unlike in high school and college, where people typically had friends going on and lives that wrapped around it.
I’m fairly affable and outgoing, which helps, but I enjoy making friends with people that aren’t. It’s easier, and the best friends I’ve made over the last few years are people that aren’t very outgoing, but they like being around and hanging out with an outgoing person. But that does mean that I’m usually the one to strike up conversation, ask for a number, drag them out when I’ve got free time, etc. To be honest, many of these friends don’t necessarily make it easy to socialize with them, because it takes them out of their comfort zone. I’m aware of that, so I don’t mind the extra prodding and encouragement that it takes, but I think if you’re more like that, the best thing you can do is just try to decrease the amount of drag you add to trying to be friends (even though you might be unaware that you’re adding that “drag”). Often people will just be like “ok. They don’t want to hang,” and they’ll move on. I just grew up with friends that were always kind of like that, so I just know they tend to need a little more love and encouragement.
Beyond that, just prioritize friendship maintenance. Text people periodically, see how they’re doing, etc. Friends are like plants: when they’re new, they require a lot of watering and maintenance, once they’re established, they require less. But you can’t expect a new plant to take well to the treatment of an established plant with deep roots. You’ve gotta nurture it.
I’m often worried that I’m coming across too needy or bothersome whenever I’m reaching out, especially since people have much more going on in their lives than just friendships. Yeah it’s difficult as adults ☹️
Well, when you reach out, are you in need of something? Sometimes it’s just and being like, “what up, fool,” or sending a meme that reminds of them or whatever. If you’re only ever reaching out because ultimately you want attention, time, etc, maybe that comes off as needy (though I think that’s ok too!), but sometimes reaching out is just, like, “hey, thought of you, I don’t need anything!”
I’m just happy to have someone to meet online once every few weeks and play a game with, maybe to the pub once every two or three months for a pint or two.
You sound lovely. 😊
Aww…thanks! 😁
Sooner or later either they stop responding to my summoning or I stop summoning them thinking I’m bothering them too much …
Add getting disabled at 34 to the equation.
People just don’t like you when you have MS.
Fuck that, I like you.
I like you!
It isn’t too hard if you’re willing to fail a lot first. It takes time, but I really turned my life around eventually. Even still I feel like an imposter, but an imposter with plenty friends anyway now
Donno sounds like a lot of work, I’d rather just be lonely
Exactly, I’m lazy and most humans suck
I mean I don’t WANT to be lonely, but it’s much easier, eh?
The trick is to have kids and then get them to be friends with the kids who have parents that look cool to you.
The other day I realized the only way I’ll ever get to play in a band is if I force my children to learn and be my band mates 🤣
I’ll be in your band, friend.
This is the way
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If you want to meet people and make friends, you have to join a group first. It’s awful. It’s stressful. But you have to join a group of some kind. That’s where IRL people are.
I mean, it’s how I made friends when I was a child. I suppose the time crunch is what makes it seem impossible.
We can be friends OP
i’m 26 but i simply choose to not care anymore
it works 83% of the time
I’m an introvert, I never cared works 100% of the time
I’m in my early 40s and joined a women’s only gym and have made lots of new acquaintances, one actual new friend, and a couple more in the works.
The advice to join a club or get involved in a group hobby has never really worked for me before, but I guess it’s not completely impossible.
If anyone needs a friend, I’m here!
I’m not in my 30’ and it’s hard/impossible to find friends. So, in my 30’ it will be impossible. Gosh.
I’m going through this now in a city known for being notoriously difficult to make friends in (Seattle) and can confirm that it sucks.
