Ignoring the gigantic needle piercing its body, that pressure relief must feel amazing
Oh, neat! Message received: if I eat enough beans, I can be my own creme brulee torch!
Wow, that would explain the mutilated cows that people think are aliens. Like lightning striking an explosive cow and boom ground beef.
Doesn’t take a lightning strike. A cow dead for long enough may explode due to gas buildup. Conspiracy people gonna conspiracy tho
Lmao they literally flare off the cow??
That cow is very slightly rocket powered.
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Removed by mod
Spoken like a true redditor
I know I might get shit for this, but I thought I would share it anyways because you asked.
Ultimate Requirement for Ballistic Bovine
- Methane Production: ~2 kg/s sustained (400x natural rate).
- LOX Supply: 10 kg/s (requiring cryogenic tanker trucks).
- Thrust: > 7,000 N (per cow-nozzle).
- Structural Integrity: Cow reinforced with carbon nanotubes (to avoid rapid unplanned disassembly at ignition).
- Ignition System: Tesla Coil Spark Plug implanted in the rumen.
- Trajectory: Vertical launch pad (avoiding trees, barns, UFOs).
Final Verdict:
Technically possible if you:- Treat the cow as a meat-based fuselage.
- Ignore ethics, biology, physics, and local fire codes.
- Have a NASA-sized budget and a death wish.
Outcome:
- Success? A charred cow fragment reaches low Earth orbit.
- Failure? A crater smelling of burnt hair and rocket fuel.
- Better Use: Flare the methane. It’s cheaper, safer, and the cow lives.
Disclaimer: No cows were harmed in this thought experiment. Please do not weaponize livestock. 🚀🐄🔥
Achieving Ballistic Velocity (The Tsiolkovsky Cow Equation)
The **Rocket Equation** is brutal:
`Δv = Isp * g₀ * ln(m₀ / m_f)`
Where:
* `Δv` = Change in velocity needed (`11,186 m/s` for escape).
* `Isp` = Specific impulse (`~360 s` for CH4/LOX).
* `g₀` = Gravity (`9.81 m/s²`).
* `m₀` = Initial mass (cow + engines + LOX + methane).
* `m_f` = Final mass (just… cooked cow?).
**Assumptions:**
* Engine mass: `300 kg` (mini-Raptor).
* LOX mass: **5x** methane mass (rocket ratio).
* Methane stored: `500 kg` (we’re pumping hard).
* `m₀ = 700 (cow) + 300 (engine) + 500 (CH₄) + 2,500 (LOX) = 4,000 kg`.
* `m_f = 700 kg` (cow, assuming engines/tanks detach).
**Calculation:**
`Δv = 360 * 9.81 * ln(4,000 / 700)`
`= 3,531.6 * ln(5.71)`
`= 3,531.6 * 1.74`
`= ~6,150 m/s`.
**Result:** **6,150 m/s < 11,186 m/s**.
→ **Verdict:** Suborbital cow. Maximum apogee: **~1,000 km** (a very high moo).
→ **Impact Velocity:** **~3-4 km/s** (kinetic energy = 0.5 * 700kg * (3,500m/s)^2 ≈ **4.3 gigajoules**).
→ **Effect:** Creates a **10m wide crater**, vaporizing the cow and any nearby farmers. A true “pasture bomb.”
You missed out the part where cows are frictionless and spherical. Also there are 322 of them in the truck.
This seems much less than 2kg/s and where do you get liquid oxygen from?
So its… kinda like a tracheotomy, but for your gut, so… gastrotomy?
Ah, ‘gastrostomy’.
A medically necessary, emergency fart valve.
Amazing.
Pericentesis is probably a closer analogue.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paracentesis
Do you mean this?
Either way, TIL!
Though, if I am understanding this right, paracentesis typically is targetted at… some kind of fluid build up basically outside of the actual gastrointestinal tract, in the paracenteal cavity, the space between your abdominal muscles and organs…
… the procedure does seem to outwardly more resemble this cow fart valve in appearence, but it doesn’t actually directly pierce, go into the intenstine directly.
G (I’m no veterinarian but I’d guess you’d number which stomach it’s going into since G means gastric) tube?
Gee I somehow thought somebody shot a lil jet propelled blow dart lol
You just know there’s some old vet that systematically lights up his cig on this every time he does it, all casual
Hey Angus, why is Hettie on fire?
Oh she just walked past Bessie.
Best to give Bessie a wide birth ey Angus.
That’s right Maggie, when you see Bessie coming you better MOOOOOOve over.
Oh nice one Angus.
Thanks maggs that’s why they call me the cow-median.
Udder genius.
It’s half and half tbh
Cutting out the middle man to light your farts on fire.
thats a nice clean blue flame, looks like a burner on a gas stove
Since it comes out my butt, is it MEthane or BUTTane?
Probably profane propane
Randy Bobandy would approve
You can also put a hose down it’s throat.
Which makes for a much more dramatic-looking jet of flame when you light it.
For the cowherd that always wanted to be a dragon-keeper.
less comfortable for the cow, much much much more comfortable for me
I ate so much I feel like I need this fr
Won’t it get really hot after a while?
Imagine cooking a hamburger using that torch.
