{Jesus knocks}

Jesus: Let me in, I’m here to save you.

Innocent bystander: Save me from what Jesus?

Jesus: {voice lowers ominously} From what I’m going to do to you if you don’t let me in…

The Apple classic: removes headphone jack, sells your AirPods.

Looking for money, somewhere, anywhere, as long as it’s hard currency. They’re running out of fake collateral.

They must have learned from the credit bureaus. Leak everyone’s data then sell a monitoring subscription for it.

How do you scream “We’re bleeding money” without saying it? Invent new ways to fleece your existing user base.

Tack this on to their new price tier plans and get a better picture of their current problems.

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That’s just smart business practices.