What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Tap for spoiler
One is Pho profit, and the other is Naan profit
A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, “I’ll have a gin and…tonic.” The bartender looks confused and asks, “what’s with the big pause.” The bear looks at the bartender and says, “well I’m a bear.”
Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.
Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?
Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.
A gunshot is heard.
Hunter: Ok, now what?
I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.
“Knock knock”
Who’s there?
“ … ”
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
spoiler
Dr. Dre
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
What’s brown, sticky and floats in the toilet?
spoiler
A stick!
Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?
So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.Reminds me of the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison, i.e. a small medium at large
Reminds me of the mafia hit-man who kills people in rice fields with small figurines… They’re all knick-knack paddy whacks!
Someone who saw him climbing down the outside wall thought “well, that’s a little con descending”
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was a tense situation.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Two guys are at the bar when one announces that he has to leave. “Where do you have to be?” “I have to go home to take care of the bees.” “The bees? You keep bees?” “Yes, I keep bees.” “You live in a studio apartment! Where do you keep the bees?” “In a shoebox under the bed.” “You keep bees in a shoebox under the bed?” “Yeah. They’re bees. Fuck 'em.”
Obligatory. https://natethesnake.com/
I remember reading this one like… 20 years ago. Legendary stuff
The first time I read it, I got invested in the stupid story and forgot it was a joke and I got to the end and I was delightfully outraged. lol
Tldr?
No. Enjoy the journey or don’t.
A snail goes into a pub, comes up to the bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says “You taking the piss mate? We don’t serve molluscs here.”
Snail, outraged, asks why not.
The bartender refuses to elaborate, and just tells the snail to piss off.
“Listen,” says the snail, “I’m not leaving until I get my beer.”
At this point the bartender has had enough of this. He picks up the snail in one hand and hurls him out the door.
Two years later, the bartender is there, getting ready for the evening rush, when the same snail appears in the doorway.
Bartender looks at him and says “You again?”
Snail looks back and says “Hey man, what the hell?”
Huh?
I’m guessing it took 2 years for the snail to come back to yell at the bartender
I got that much but I didn’t understand what the last line adds to it?
It makes it more clear why the snail is back
A man visits the doctor: “Every morning at 6 o’clock sharp, I take a huge shit.”
“Oh, well, that’s good - it means you have regular bowel movements.”
“Sure… but I never wake up before 7.”Another one:
A man visits the doctor: “Can I take a bath with diarrhea?”
“Of course - if you can fill an entire tub…”these jokes are full of shit.
Why did the near-sighted man fall in to the well?
–
Because he didn’t see that well.
