Every relationship is built on ultimatums. Such a weird opinion to say it’s abusive. I’m leaving if my partner cheats, picks up a drug habit, or spends all of our money, for instance.
Boundaries are healthy limits set to protect oneself, while ultimatums are demands that pressure others to change, often with a threat.
Boundaries respect both parties. Ultimatums prioritize one’s own needs.
Using the meme as an example, “if you don’t stop playing video games I’m leaving” is an ultimatum, putting herself first. It neglects the fact that he enjoys playing video games, and forces him to choose between her or his hobbies.
“I feel neglected when you play video games so much instead of spending time with me, what can we do to find something that works for both of us. If we can’t find a solution, I worry about the sustainability of our relationship” would express her feelings, identify his behavior that is causing those feelings, and respect the fact that his hobbies are important to him and give him space to continue enjoying them. And the boundary is “if we can’t work together on this, this relationship won’t work”.
There is nothing in what I said that suggests connotation or social acceptance are a factor - polyamory exists, couples could enjoy drugs together, and money is important to everyone. What you listed are your boundaries, and that’s cool - I have the same ones. But they’re not universal (though definitely some of the most common). What matters is how they are communicated.
I think there’s a difference between a hard boundary and an ultimatum. The former exists before it needs to be said, and the latter is a “do/stop this or the relationship is over”. It’s often associated with existing relationship issues or a sudden change in the relationship.
It’s also associated with an expectation that one gets their way. Rather than approaching as a conversation about “are we still compatible” it becomes a cudgel. When I rejected my ex’s ultimatum it resulted in her begging me to change my answer and later yelling at me about my being willing to end the relationship.
yep, been there. I had one ex crash out at me 6 months later, because they found out I had found someone else… while they were also dating someone else. Like we broke up in Sept than one random day in March I had multiple ranting voicemails that I woke up to one day about how I ‘betrayed’ her and how I had ‘clearly never loved her’.
She was the one that initiated the breakup over an ultimatum, but her ‘plan’ was that I would come crawling back to her or something. Because it’s only True Love if you’re completely broken and subordinate to the other person, including abuse.
Every relationship is built on ultimatums. Such a weird opinion to say it’s abusive. I’m leaving if my partner cheats, picks up a drug habit, or spends all of our money, for instance.
There’s a difference between ultimatums and boundaries
There really isn’t. You’re just adding a connotative difference if it’s a socially acceptable reason.
Boundaries are healthy limits set to protect oneself, while ultimatums are demands that pressure others to change, often with a threat.
Boundaries respect both parties. Ultimatums prioritize one’s own needs.
Using the meme as an example, “if you don’t stop playing video games I’m leaving” is an ultimatum, putting herself first. It neglects the fact that he enjoys playing video games, and forces him to choose between her or his hobbies.
“I feel neglected when you play video games so much instead of spending time with me, what can we do to find something that works for both of us. If we can’t find a solution, I worry about the sustainability of our relationship” would express her feelings, identify his behavior that is causing those feelings, and respect the fact that his hobbies are important to him and give him space to continue enjoying them. And the boundary is “if we can’t work together on this, this relationship won’t work”.
There is nothing in what I said that suggests connotation or social acceptance are a factor - polyamory exists, couples could enjoy drugs together, and money is important to everyone. What you listed are your boundaries, and that’s cool - I have the same ones. But they’re not universal (though definitely some of the most common). What matters is how they are communicated.
I think there’s a difference between a hard boundary and an ultimatum. The former exists before it needs to be said, and the latter is a “do/stop this or the relationship is over”. It’s often associated with existing relationship issues or a sudden change in the relationship.
It’s also associated with an expectation that one gets their way. Rather than approaching as a conversation about “are we still compatible” it becomes a cudgel. When I rejected my ex’s ultimatum it resulted in her begging me to change my answer and later yelling at me about my being willing to end the relationship.
yep, been there. I had one ex crash out at me 6 months later, because they found out I had found someone else… while they were also dating someone else. Like we broke up in Sept than one random day in March I had multiple ranting voicemails that I woke up to one day about how I ‘betrayed’ her and how I had ‘clearly never loved her’.
She was the one that initiated the breakup over an ultimatum, but her ‘plan’ was that I would come crawling back to her or something. Because it’s only True Love if you’re completely broken and subordinate to the other person, including abuse.