I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Edit: Bunch of damn pyros in this thread.
Eat it.
…and we’re done here
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don’t waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn’t tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
It generally helps if you tie it on
fuck it, I’m leaving it
Tie one on? I don’t think that mixes with driving…
See. It works.
Light it on fire while it’s still in your room. No need to move anything!
Mail it to the Whitehouse collect.
Collect?
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you’re done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I’ll be disappointed if you don’t do it.
Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
–Edit–
This method has additional merit in that you don’t actually even get rid of it.
Everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.
Dildos are supposed to be reusable, you know, not just dissappear. Sounds like someone needs to have a big clear-out.
That’s on Thursdays at the community center.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says “Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!”
bonfire time
This reminds me when I was a grad student at CU Boulder, one of the frat houses decided to get rid of an old couch by dragging it out into the street and setting on fire. Became a running joke in town for years afterward.
Shred it to bits and smoke it through a bong on public transit
Use it as a surfboard.
infect it with bedbugs, then leave it on the street with a free sign.
Break into a neighbor’s house and put it under their mattress.
Rip off the material, and take the innards to a metal recycling plant near you, for free. (Disclaimer, I’m assuming metal recycling places take things for free in your area)
Eta. Oops. I didn’t read. I’ll delete.
Put it in the blender piece by piece and flush it down the toilet Or put it in your pocket and feed it to the birds in the local park.
