I’m trying to plan my life, but I feel like I’m putting together a thousand-piece puzzle with no picture on the box
You really don’t know what the future holds, so don’t get bogged down planning too far ahead. Set yourself some achievable goals for the near future. It’s ok to have some vague plans for the distant future, but keep in mind that there is a good chance that your future could look very different than what you imagine it might be.
I haven’t seen this mentioned yet so:
Do not allow yourself to be persuaded, pressured, or bullied into having kids (including by yourself) until you feel 100% ready and that it’s 100% what you want. The days of “nobody feels ready for kids; just go for it and it’ll all work out” are way over. (This was always survivor bias bullshit advice, but with recent trends re: cost of living, housing availability, job market, etc., this attitude is straight-up reckless.)
When you’re young, even if you think you know what you’re doing, you’ll almost certainly make mistakes; having children makes moving through and moving on from those mistakes a hell of a lot harder. A sad number of folks I know in their 30s are stuck in places they no longer want to live having to regularly interact with people who ruined their lives because of their kids. Even when things go well, kids are a huge drain on your energy, finances, and ability to take advantage of new opportunities.
It might be scary feeling like there are too many options available to you right now, but being forced into a certain life path because you have kids is not a fun way to resolve that.
If you wait too long, it might become biologically impossible. Biologically, the best age for kids is between 20 and 35. After that, there is a sharp decline.
And there is never 100% readiness, nor 100% certainty that you want it. Especially not while you are that young.
A sad number of folks I know are in their 40s, and struggling to convince. They wanted to be 100% ready, then build a large family. And now it’s too late.
So if you are in a position where you can have kids, and think you want kids, you should probably go for it. Even if you aren’t 100% ready yet.
Having kids is a life-long commitment. Not having kids is simply the absence of said commitment. IVF and adoption are also always options, even after conceiving children becomes nonviable.
The bigger picture is: you can’t do everything in life, and often, the dreams you envision aren’t as romantic as a daily reality as they seem in your head. It’s okay to give up that option of a future permanently. There are tens of thousands of opportunities to add to your life, big and small. You will never even attempt most of them, and that’s okay. There is no syllabus or checklist or achievement board to fill out in life, unless you make one.
Having kids isn’t a hobby you can put down for a month, nor a job you can quit. You should absolutely be 100% on-board before having kids, and if you aren’t, don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you are.
If you are getting too old to conceive, your chances with IVF decrease similarly. It’s technically possible with egg donations. But that’s illegal here.
Adoptive parents may also only be at most 40 years older than the child. So if you are older than 40, you at least can’t adopt an infant. Only older kids.
So yes. Not having children at some point is also a lifelong commitment. At least if you are a woman.
Children are definitely not a hobby you can just put down for a month. But being 100% on board just isn’t how the human psyche works. People will always doubt themselves in everything.
I’m not saying to have children on a whim. But shouldn’t wait until you both earn 6 figures and have paid off your mortgage either. Just be certain beyond reasonable doubt, that you want kids, and that you can afford them if you live a frugal lifestyle. Most doubts probably aren’t reasonable.
Everyone I know is struggling in life. It seems almost impossible to get anything good going. Take things one step at a time and try to find a good strategy for managing upkeep on whatever needs it. Focus on improving a single thing you can do in the short term. Outside of that, I’d strongly recommend getting a union job if you don’t have employment figured out yet. A stable income with good job security is much easier to plan around even if it seems like it isn’t enough money.
Dont borrow a shit ton of money till you got a career going you like.
Save some money. Doesnt have to be a ton but just a few dollars per week will be better than 0
Dont lend money to friends (if you do, dont expect to get them back)
Life gets better
I was struggling too when i was around 20.
Life is awesome now years later
As an adult, all I can say is we don’t know what we’re doing either. And that’s okay.
Welcome to the club. The dirty little secret is nobody knows what they’re doing and any adult who tells you differently is lying to you. We are all flying by the seat of our pants in life, and just doing our best to make it. Enjoy the ride and try to have fun while you’re here.
I’m in my 50s and have at LEAST 2.8% of stuff figured out for my personal life.
After reading that, I feel a need to say,
“and thanks for the fish!”
Well, without any context it is hard to say. In very general terms, I have a little advice.
Find a job you don’t hate. You’re going be spending a lot of your time there, if it sucks your soul out you will never be happy. I think this is a super important one.
Don’t acquire needless debt. It’s so easy to fall into the buy now, pay later mentality. Especially when Klarna and Afterpay are shoved down your throat with every online purchase. It’s a slippery slope.
Quality is much more important than trendy. Sure, there is stuff that is quality and trendy. But you don’t need to buy a Le Creuset when a Lodge will do just as good.
Get a cheap hobby. Maybe there is a little up front capital to get started, like for tools or something. But if the rest of it is cheap, you’ll be able to do it more often. One of mine is restoring antique fountain pens. I needed a pen press, a buffing wheel, jewelry pliers, sac shellac, some 100% talc. But broken pens and sacs are cheap, so it is something I can do anytime for a few bucks. The detail work is soothing. And consumes hours.
It gets increasingly difficult to make friends after you’re out of school. So, hang on to your closest ones. Make time to keep seeing them, even if you don’t feel like going out.
I don’t know how young “young” is, but I think it’s pretty normal to feel that way in your early 20’s. It’s a time of big changes. And don’t compare yourself to social media. It’s not real life.
You’re probably not struggling as much as you think you are. Not in a “your problems aren’t that bad” kinda way but more in a "your responses to those problems aren’t as pitiful as you think they are. Just because the problem wasn’t 100% fixed doesn’t mean you didn’t deal with it like a boss. It’s not like everybody else is out there dancing through their problems with the grace of a ballerina. 90% of them have the fridge door open at 2am eating shredded cheese right out of the bag too. You’re doing great, don’t be so down on yourself.
90% of them have the fridge door open at 2am eating shredded cheese right out of the bag too.
Having a low-carb late-night dinner, if you please
Take your time and find yourself and your place.
I feel it took me longer than most to find my place in life, but looking back everything I did in life lead up to this. It’s really special to finally get here. But I also took my own pace to get here, and thats not a problem at all.
A decent first step is trying to figure out what the picture looks like.
What kind of job do you want? What kind of family do you want? What kind of place do you want to live? What hobbies or activities do you want to do? The picture will be blurry and that is ok.
From that, you can start to plan out what you need to do to make that picture. Do you need a certain education? Do you need to live in a certain part of the world? Do your goals match your drive? Are your goals reasonable?
And it is fine if your picture changes over time. It does for everyone. However, having a picture gives you something to plan against.
Try to take things one step at a time. For the first step, prioritize what you need to do into a list, and then start at the top and work slowly downwards. But don’t take on more than 2 or 3 things at once.
The prioritized list might look overwhelming and stress you out. But remember that you are taking an active, organized step towards getting things under control, and give yourself lots of credit and praise for doing that. And things might seem like they are going slowly, especially at first. But remember that you are making progress, even when it might seem like you aren’t.
You’re kinda fucked. The world needs a reboot.
In the meantime, figure out which professions pay a decent enough wage and do the one you find most tolerable/ least objectionable.
Keep keeping contact with your friends even if adulthood would separate you.
Take care of your teeth. Those are expensive and painful to fix.
Try to make a habit of stretching and exersising. Its hard to start older.
Generally when you are doing big decisions in life try to think if its good in the ling term.
If you feel anxious or unsure about yourself, dont worry. Everybody has doubts. You just get better hiding them with age.
Practise media literacity and try to read things from many different perspectives. Its easy to start demonising one side of any situation if everything you know comes from the other side.
It’s going to get worse before it gets better.
It’s not your fault. Your ancestors and your peers sold you out.
Cut people out of your life that mistreat you. Do not make yourself miserable for some hypothetical better future.
It’s okay to try things without a full plan in place. It’s okay to drop things that aren’t working out; but do not rush to do so.
Invest yourself fully in your efforts. It’s okay if it doesn’t turn into anything. Even if you don’t end up with a tangible outcome, you’ll learn skills, you’ll learn about yourself, and you’ll find clarity in the bigger picture.
Do not constantly bog yourself down by repeatedly self-assessing. It’s a waste of energy and you’ll end up disappointed in the outcome of whatever you’re focused on.
Free yourself from fear of judgement. Look at how many morons are in positions of status and power. Criticizing you is a waste of time and energy. It’s foolish when others to do it, and it’s foolish to pre-emptively criticize yourself to get ahead of what others might say. (If you take any lesson here, let it be this one.)
