I’m at I think 1.5” length. I am very goblin mode and have just been letting everything grow out as much as possible.

Sensory issues compel me to wash my beard with soap every time I enter the shower - this is currently the 3-in-1 old spice, which I imagine strips oil. I have taken to drowning my face in old Amish oil, which seems to be an effective counter.

I work in a profession which will tolerate and appreciate things like beading, which I feel would be more feasible in an inch or so? Any tips on the hobby would be appreciated.

Really the question is - I want to have an extremely lengthy and healthy beard. What do I do to not look like a gross neckbeard, to convey less “this is long because I’m too lazy to do anything about it” but more “I love this thing and will actually maintain a routine for it.” I would like to at some point be a mall Santa. I want to lock in. Pretend you are my dad for a minute.

  • southsamurai
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    fedilink
    23 days ago

    Aight, first, let me state that calling people gross because of the kind of beard they can grow is douchey as fuck all.

    With that out of the way, you’ve already gotten great advice, but I think there’s still a few salient points that can help a beard stay healthy and nice looking.

    The biggest one I can think of is to go sulfate free in your products. Shampoo and conditioners with sulfates are harsher than those without. So you want to avoid them as much as possible. I tend to favor Hask when I’m not getting stuff through my friend that can get me fancy shit cheap. I personally use the Hask argan oil stuff. It smells nice, works great, and my beard stays softer, longer.

    But the key is to avoid stuff with sulfates.

    Then, with those and other products, avoid anything that has ingredients ending in “cone”, like simethicone as the most common one. They make hair shiny and less frizzy, but it comes at the price of drying it out over time.

    Generally, if you’re washing daily, you will want to add a bit of something after you’re out of the shower, no matter what conditioner you use. Oils tend to be easiest to use, and do a great job. But balms, butters, and even waxes can all contribute to a healthy face forest. Again, just avoid the “cones”, and it’s difficult to go wrong. I mix my own oils nowadays, just because I’m absurdly sensitive to smells and some chemicals, but you can usually grab whatever your local drug store has and end up with something decent smelling.

    However, you can also just grab a decent olive oil and use that too. Yeah, the fancy stuff may be marginally closer to own oils, but olive oil does just fine in a pinch.

    Just don’t go crazy. Put enough on your hands that you’ll have a layer, but not so much it can pool up. It’s better to oil up twice than deal with too much oil. Then you just rub it over the surface of your beard, then run your fingers through it a while until you get the beard lightly touched all over. It doesn’t take much, unless you also want to keep your beard looking extra shiny. Just be aware that your shirts will not be happy if your beard is long enough.

    Drowning your face in oil isn’t a good thing. You want just enough to help manage frizz, keep the cuticle healthy, and maintain a nice shine.

    As a rule, when you’re early into beard growth, you’ll want to let it grow out a bit before trying to style anything significant. You’re close to the point where you’ll want to start thinking about that. Now, I started out shooting for the Dan Haggerty style, like his Grizzly Adams era. It’s low upkeep, all you need is a trimmer with guards, or some decent scissors and a comb.

    Now, I’m full Rasputin up in this piece, so trimming is more about keeping split ends under control and balancing things out (my right side grows faster than my left, well as slightly longer). Just some light scissor work once a month or so. But I’ll apply balm or wax to the stache if I’m going to be eating in public. Otherwise I just twist it into points lol.

    But those are both fairly low maintenance styles. If you want to maximize how it fits your face, the time to experiment with shaping is before you have a lot of length to regrow if you screw up. There is a learning curve to the various tools you’d be using.

    Beard braiding is actually easier than head hair imo. Head hair is smoother for most caucasian folks for sure, and you can get a better grip on beard hair because of that. It’s almost always coarser, and may well be curlier too. But there’s a learning curve for sure, so start watching videos before you need to.

    There’s nothing wrong with any style at all. You rock what makes you happy, period. But no matter that style, you’ll run into less bullshit if it’s neat. Two beards of equal length, but one is scraggly, will be perceived differently. So keep your shit neat if you care about other people’s responses.

    Also, if you haven’t yet, expect an itch period soon. A face that isn’t used to a longer beard is going to need to adapt. Might not take long, but it’s almost certain to come along.

    Remember, those thick santa beards take work. They take trimming and care all year round. Once you do go gray/white/silver with age, you’ll likely need different products as well, but that’s a tangent. Professional santas that grow their own take it seriously. If you don’t keep it trimmed all year long, what happens is that the hairs get pushed into patterns that make it harder to shape come the holidays.

    As an example, if you don’t watch how the that throat grows, chances are high that the very bottom of it is going to grow up, instead of down. And the longer the beard, the higher that area can get. It’ll make the bottom part of your beard look bristly since those hairs are going a different direction

    So you gotta treat it like you want it to look while there’s a line of kids and parents in front of you. Keep it combed, don’t sleep face down much, keep the parts low on the throat and at the ears trimmed to your goal length for Christmas even if you let the rest get longer in the off season.

    Be aware that until you age into gray/white, you’re going to need to lighten your beard during the season, and that is always rough on the beard and skin. So have it done professionally is my advice. A good salon will get the job done better and safer than trying to do it yourself.

    There’s various beard white products out there, but you gotta apply it to a lightened beard, unless your beard is really light blonde to begin with. Most of them suck at coverage to begin with, and come off over hours of wear. So they’re best reserved for a slight lightening and darker patches than being caked on.

    And you can’t cake up tbh. If you’re a chubby guy, you’ll likely be sweating some in the suit alone. If you’re more on the lean side, you’ll be wearing padding and you will be sweating to some degree. Some of the whiteners are sweat resistant, but nothing is perfect.

    I don’t do pictures online, but I hit my yeard back in 2012 or so, and have kept it at its natural length since then, so about 3/4 of the way to my nipple line when dry, and almost there when wet. It’s a wonderful thing, but it is work. You can’t neglect it because neglect shows up faster in a beard than on regular hair. You get sick for a few days, your head hair is a little oily and ragged. Your beard will look like a tornado hit it. You’ll have knots and broken hairs, and it’ll be extra coarse.