I’m sorry that you relate to my story, but just know, at the end of a dark night, the bright sun rises again in the morning. You’ll live my friend, and I’m proud of you for getting so far.

When I was 18, I started working 30 hours a week, then picked up another part time job for 15ish hours a week. On top of that, I decided to go to school (community college) full time and try to bang it out as quick as possible. The only problem? I entered undecided on my major for the first 2 years until I decided on one. After that, it took me an additional 2 years to graduate with my AA. Got super burnt out with over crowding my schedule, so I decided it was best to take things slow. I worked 40 hours for a big company, for a few years and while back then I transferred to a Uni, where i got my BS after 2 years of hard work. During this time, I was busy with figuring out how to incorporate moving to a different city because of relationship matters at the time. After this, I decided to grab another AA, as it was a program to a trade school for a career move that I really wanted at the time. Then, alot of shit hit the fan. I lost all motion, so I’m just taking life day by day. Theres no need to push myself so hard when I was constantly stressed during my 20s. Chronically throughout, but now? My 30s? I feel like I can finally explore so much of what I missed in my 20s.

I am not going to sugar coat it - I have been psycho evaluated multiple times, they have dx me with some LD such as ADHD, so when I wasn’t on medication for that, my brain is literally running almost at 100% all the time, with no sign of stopping and it’s great. I feel mentally quick, and uppers or stimulants are really my favorite tool to exploit my intellect. I would like to say I’m well versed in the realm of psychology and philosophy, but when it comes to actually being an empathetic human? Well, let’s just say I’m finally starting my journey. I will say this however: I would trade all my IQ for an equal amount of EQ instead. It would benefit me to just be - happier in a sense. Ignorance is bliss, so they say. I’m not hyper intelligent by any means. I just have lots of special interests that I pour hours of my life into and I will continue to collect hobbies and master them as I grow through life.

Good luck to you and your journey. I was on a few different classes of mood stabilizers and even anti depressants. Decided after years that they just didn’t work out, unless I actively engaged in positive change as well. I resorted to teaching myself DBT techniques and they have been somewhat helpful. I would also benefit from seeing a DBT therapist specialist if one was ever offered but there seems to be none in my area willing to take new patients with my insurance.

Im proud of you for cutting out drugs, they are certainly fun but be wary, the fun doesn’t last forever and it comes with a heavy price. Just be aware is all. I’m sure you already are.

I actually realized the same way, and looking to grow into a social circle where it would benefit me to act more my age, ie entering my 30s and becoming more of a masculine man, financially responsible and physically on top of my game. I am regaining my confidence back and I’m slowly falling in love with myself again. It’s a challenge but, I’m glad you are also seeking new social circles that align with your current values. So happy for you friend. You’re on the right path.

How strange, I see myself in the same type of way. It’s a me vs the world mentality but then I learned that it’s really me vs me. This world isn’t so friendly, it truly isnt. It’s so cruel and it will try it’s hardest to make sure you don’t succeed but its your mentality that will let you get farther than most in this life.

You have a very unique look on life. What is your background and age if you don’t mind sharing.

I’ll consider it, thank you internet stranger for the invitation though.

I agree, I am trying my hardest everyday, to be the best that I can be. To prove to myself that I’m not a total liability.

Ironic because most of my Youtube history is about documentaries involving cult leaders or peoples of influence - usually of darker or colorful pasts that lead them to make not so great decisions in the end.

I was constantly complaining about “fake friends” and how people were being inauthentic to themselves and similar themes to that. This was all over my social medias where I just know everyone was talking about me in their private group chats which is understandable. Looking back on it, I don’t blame them for leaving, but I am learning day by day so it’s getting easier to live with.

I am about 90% done with it - even though we still live together. She went to a festival over the weekend with her friends and I’m happy for her but deep down, I am living in spite because that should be me with her there but then again, I live at a different tempo than most people, so I suppose our differences were irreconcilable. We spent the last few days crying to each other, mourning the relationship. It was painful. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t budge and I’m sort of glad she hasn’t. Simply because I know I still have some more soul searching to do. To answer your last part, I had lost my job almost half a year ago and she has been supportive throughout the whole process - but the person that left that job to the person who I was recently experienced a transition. One so negative, that it drove the relationship south, because I was becoming overly critical, being financially dependent on her, thus giving her an incredibly insurmountable and exponentially growing mountain of stress that she had finally gotten tired of. Our small fights and arguments evolved into bursts of emotion and passion. I have intimacy issues, and it showed up in our last spat - where I threatened leaving her again. That was the last straw. Since then, experiencing deep pain, knowing I’ve been self sabotaging yet again, oh what a joy it is to live life, to constantly learn but man, does it hurt lol

I actually used to work in the healthcare field. I’ve worked there for over a decade. Recently, I am in between jobs so it’s actually a great spot for me to find a new industry to attempt.

Yes, recently, I reached out to a bunch of my friends that I deeply cut off and since then, still no response. I don’t blame them. It was a mess. I do feel much more at peace now though, getting it off my chest.

I agree, I am trying my best to start from the ashes, and trek forward. It shouldn’t be hard, just one step at a time, as they say.

Yes, I started smoking cigs + weed in my teen years sparingly for fear of being caught by family. I was a good two shoes and kept my nose clean until I turned 21, then I became a really heavy drinker. Not an alcoholic, but going out with friends, I realized I needed to drop almost twice the amount of cash in order to feel something, not necessarily use it to make conversation easier, but to feel the effects lol. At 25, I then dove into psychs and disso, and boy, my life changed. It’s been…interesting and I do NOT want to give that experience up at all. I feel liberated knowing and seeing things that most people would wait lifetimes to perceive. At least, that’s what I believe. Entering my 30s, I’m actually surprisingly sober now. Hence, why I am now suffering the consequences of my actions throughout my 20s and being ultra-destructive to self and others. What an interesting life so far.

Honestly, I have 3 degrees, and the job market has been ridiculous. I suppose I only have myself to blame for not picking my major as Business or something easily marketable. I have been getting back into watching anime. Other than that, no. All the hobbies I want to pursue cost money. I cant parse anything out for that at the moment.

I see, it’s asking me to make a fediverse account? I only have a lemmy. What is that?

I’m just gonna quote myself from an earlier comment:

“That’s sort of how it started with my path. I was constantly being spammed with invites to outings, or messages about checking up on each other etc, just friendly things. I decided it was all too overwhelming and didn’t want to maintain those relationships due to being overwhelmed by it all at once. I am now paying the price. At least for the time being.”

it’s asking me to log in but my credentials don’t work for whatever reason.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to join another forum, I rather stay on lemmy for now.

That’s sort of how it started with my path. I was constantly being spammed with invites to outings, or messages about checking up on each other etc, just friendly things. I decided it was all too overwhelming and didn’t want to maintain those relationships due to being overwhelmed by it all at once. I am now paying the price. At least for the time being.

That’s reassuring, thank you stranger. It’s difficult for me to put into words how awful it feels to fake myself around others but I rather just be my authentic self and in doing so, I will attract the right crowd soon enough.

It’s funny you mention that, because I called all of them, and left a message on voicemail. It’s been a full day since that happened. No response. Not sure if I’m blocked but hey, I tried. I’m unsure if I should reach out again, but I respect myself too much and realize that the world is filled with other friends-to-be

Shit, that actually sounds nice but my initial response is “What do you have to gain?” In case it’s not obvious, I’m not a very open person in the way that would develop intimacy between myself and others. I try to keep things distant, unless you are a partner of mine, then I try to grow closer, but making friends is hard for me.

Why do you define your social circle with those specific words and what have they done for you? Or am I looking at it wrong?

I’ve read that book three times growing up at different ages. I still feel that I would have to essentially “mask” or fake my personality in order to truly be a “good” friend or be seen by most. I find that I automatically trend towards negativity and destruction in my life, but I realize I can change the trajectory of that at any given moment. That moment was a few days ago.

It’s hard to say. Humans are the epitome of change and impermanence. It seems more likely that I (and all of humanity) will go through changes our whole lives. There is nothing we can do about it but to accept it. My perception of reality is that its cruel. Similar to how the world of Berserk by Kentaro Miura is set up. I don’t necessarily feel stuck in my ways, as I have recently discovered that I am a creature of habit, but I can overcome that with enough effort, and direct it towards a positive change.

Let me make a fake discord before going further. What would the benefits of the social circle be? Just curious about your perspective.

This is hilarious because I’m actually deeply interested in spirituality and philosophy. I love to think about the world and beyond. I don’t really concern myself with other humans, and when I find I do, I end up presenting a tattered mess as a result. Mostly gossiping etc, nothing truly productive.