Trying to get some input for someone else. Was thinking of upskilling, finding a group, developing a hobby, guided activities. Any ideas?
I didn’t. I’m still awkward. But that hasn’t stopped me from living my life.
I was at a party with my parents one day celebrating our national day. I decided right there that I was going to talk to someone and I started up a conversation with an old gentleman which I was able to carry for a good long time. From then on, every time I was at a social event with people I didn’t know, I talked to at least one person.
Then when I was able to drink, I’d stop in at a bar and strike up conversation with random people. Alcohol helped a lot.
Alcohol is the Great Social Lubricant. There a lots of activities that allow for some responsible drinking while having fun with friends or new people, like student associations, sport teams, Renaissance fairs, concerts, house parties, etc. Just get a drink and go talk to people. You’ll probably do some stupid stuff as well, but at least that makes for good stories.
fake it till you make it, eventually my joking ‘girlboss’ attitude just turned into having some confidence. also I’m a girl now
I had an autism diagnosis. I found a friend with even more autism through school. Thats kinda it
I did a horrible and dangerous job for 2 years while undergoing the most intensive psychotherapy that exists. It improved my social skills, developed a skillset that’s rare and highly valued in my chosen field, and completely recalibrated my sense of hardship.
This is what i did for my own journey. Trying to find the angle how to encourage him to try it for himself.
The therapy was integral; it helped me contextualize the experience properly. Not everyone can afford it and that’s important to mention.
Covid gave a lot of time to think and lots of time to reflect…especially also finding out im Bi and then meeting the diverse ppl helped a lot
Different settings, jobs, locations.
Also, and this will be very unpopular, but beer really helped. Not at work or during the day (thankfully), but alcohol unlocked me socially and improved my confidence as I met more and more people while I traveled. Not that I’m recommending teens do this, and it’s probably illegal for them in the US anyway, but for me it was a fantastic social lubricant.
I took estrogen and everything worked itself out from there~
Seriously though, there were a few factors. It was a combinations of building up my confidence (that’s how estrogen helped, turns out when you stop hating your body and life, you get more confident) and actively constructing situations that allowed me to connect and build relationships with people. I started a book club as a not so subtle way to get people in a room and talking to me, I reached out to people to have them round for dinner, I put a lot of effort into being thoughtful and kind. Developing a variety of hobbies and interests means I have plenty to talk about and lots to fill my time when I’m not doing that - a creative hobby is especially great for that.
Thats great! Thanks for sharing. Trying to show him that skills are like tools - the more collect, the more you have, and the more likely it will be that suddenly it seems you have a tool for everything, and people either start thinking youre a genius, or start to take advantage of you. Difference is, having the tools means you can choose.
In my opinion, it’s not about trying to prove you’re a genius, the key is that confidence and passion is infectious - people want to be around interesting people who are interested in them. Being skilled and well-read, as well as having hobbies lets you engage competently in deep conversation and have interesting qualities you can connect over or other people can grab on to.
Sinking into depression
I haven’t completely figured it out. I was a very awkward and sheltered teenager twenty years ago for a lot of reasons I’d rather not go too much into. As a result there are very few people from my school, sixth-form and university days who I’m still in touch with.
What helped me come out of my shell was working in a call centre (where I had to start interacting with colleagues and customers) and more recently, karaoke. I’ve started going to pub karaoke nights quite often over the past two years and made some pretty good friends from it. It’s not something I’d recommend from everyone, because the pressure to drink is there.
I met my wife doing drunken karaoke. 25 years later, I sometimes still do it but she’s 10 years sober now.
In 10th grade, my best friend moved away and I realized I had very few friends left. I had spent middle school considering myself part of the “social outcast” group that didn’t really fit into any of the cliques. What I did was find the lunch table that other students I shared classes with and sat there listening to them talk. Sometimes all the seats were full and I sat at a different table, but eventually as I got to understand the people and dynamics at play I started chiming in a little more until eventually I was part of the friend group.
From there I felt more comfortable talking to more people, so I did until eventually in senior year there were folks saying hi to me while walking down the hall pretty frequently, I knew most people in my graduating class of 350 to some degree, and for some reason I was voted prom king.
I had the benefit of being in the same school district from grades 1-12 so I had had most of my life to that point to learn names, but my core advice remains the same. I became less awkward (or at least good enough at owning being awkward to not matter) by befriending new people, and I befriended new people by inserting myself into a friend group over time, and I did that by just being present and quiet until I felt comfortable enough to speak up more.
Try out a bunch of different things until you find something you like.
I read some of the stoics and then did a shit tonne of therapy.
It takes a while to learn how to not give a fuck about what people think of you. But in a respectable way of course. If you stop giving a fuck you can just be yourself. Took me at least until I was 25 before I could really be myself. Looking at the people around me that age can definitely be much lower or even higher though. I still care about what some people in my life think about me, and I try to live up to their expectations because I love them.
Your idea of doing social activities is a pretty good idea too. Meeting all kinds of different people is a good way to get out of your shell and you’ll automatically care less about what they might think of you because if it doesn’t click with them that’s perfectly fine and you can just continue your journey.
When you grow up, you will feel that not a lot of people care about what you think or look or do and it just over time gave me confidence to be not giving any fucks at all about what people think hahah
Thanks. Dunno if his issue is that people actively pick on him, or if he doesnt know how to connect with others, e.g. not knowing how to engage. One is external, the other internal. But i do recognize that its tough being a kid these days.
