That the thing I’ve been after my entire life but couldn’t identify or articulate was, in fact, autonomy.
This, after growing up in a house full of overbearing, hypercritical family members, willingly entering into a marriage with someone who treated me like property, being micromanaged, and taught that the key to happiness lies in pleasing others, and living in quiet desperation and letting it build and build until I finally imploded and ended up institutionalized.
In the process of rebuilding my life I made a few mistakes, namely going back to a few of those relationships and trying to make new relationships fit that mold. At least this time I had a little self awareness though. I decided to end all of those relationships and start living on my own terms. And that was when the epiphany hit that this was the autonomy I’ve been craving - and had been denied - my whole life.
I’m way happier now.
Codependency is self-destructive, not romantic.
Chronic Anxiety and chronic depression are very similar and tied to similar thought processes and self-fulfilling cycles.
You can’t truly be there for others if you aren’t there for yourself.
Perspective shifting between others and yourself is a powerful tool of understanding and affording yourself the benefits of the doubt that can be hard to muster sometimes.
I learned that not having a stable home growing up means I never trust the safety or longevity of any living situation, therefore, I never get comfortable.
when things do start going your way you start thinking “alright, when’s the rugpull coming? when will the universe conspire to fuck me over specifically”
Every fucking time.
Then as soon as I let my guard down- WAM! Shit goes down and im back at square 0
- That I indeed have OCD.
- That I indeed have a form of social anxiety/ agoraphobia.
- That some things from the past still worries me despite thinking it would not.
- I quickly get into negative thoughts and learnt how to slowly but steadily change that.
- That I was afraid of admitting that certain things from the past were indeed someone else’s fault and not my own (I never wanted to be the kind of person that point fingers to others).
And a couple of other things but these were the main ones.
What sort of OCD if you don’t mind me asking?
Checking OCD. I keep checking whether things such as lights, doors are closed or the water tab, oven/ furnace are turned off. At some point it took 1-1.5 hours off my time before being able to go to bed and even then it occupied my mind. Went so far to make photo’s and video’s as ‘evidence’ but eventually that did not do the trick either.
I have that too. I wish that was all it was.
Being neurodiverse and scoring well on standardized/IQ testing doesn’t excuse being an utter menace.
And “utter menace” in what regard?
Just generally rude and running all over everybody’s boundaries at a whim
I discovered that I wasn’t having panic attacks. I was having seizures. Yay!
How does that work?
Not very well so far
Not all of it was exactly because I went to therapy, but therapy opened the door to examining myself in a non-judgemental way. I started going because I thought I had adhd and wanted help with it, along with crippling social anxiety. When I started I thought I was a cishet man with adhd. After a while I realized I’m actually a bi trans woman with adhd and autism. Somewhat recently I’ve started to think I might also be aromantic, but I’m not really sure. On a more therapy note I also discovered just how profound the damage from my parents/upbringing was. I sometimes wish I could make them really understand how much they hurt me and how much it has held me back in life.
The way everyone around me feels, isn’t my responsibility or fault.
That I have severe OCD - like off the charts. Lately it’s been replaying the Charlie Kirk murder video in my head that I accidentally saw at 2:00am in a surprise intrusive image attack. So that’s fun. Other things include checking and rechecking everything I fucking do until I’m exhausted, among many other things.
I think I made the mistake of clicking the same link. It’s a Wikipedia link so how bad can it be?? I’m sure it’s a video taken from far away, right? Wrong. Sorry I clicked it.
The guy might have been a piece of shit but I didn’t need to see his murder from 5 ft away.
Yeah I mean I loathe the bastard but that video really fucked me up I guess. My friend watched it and had no issue at all and I was kinda shocked at that tbh.
My OCD has absolutely latched onto it though it sucks huge ass. I wake up at like 2 or 3am seeing it over and over and hearing the screams and I puked the first few times it happened. Hopefully my brain will give it the fuck up soon.
Once my general anxiety got under control, that some anxiety is actually protective and can clue me in to things. A while ago, anxiety was my first clue that I was in burn out territory (I ignored it and ended up with some suicidal ideation, but got out before that got worse). More recently it let me know that a situation would be bad for me to continue with. I pulled out before it got worse for me or affected others.
That I feel immense guilt about any time spent not being productive in some way and believed (wrongly) that you can always just plan and to-do list your way out of feeling crappy. I basically learned to forgive myself for needing time to recover from stuff.
That I wasn’t Zen about endings, I was just never allowing anyone close.
I’m actually a sane, nice person. I’m unhappy because I am dealing with people who aren’t.
That literally never occurred to me. I thought I was the problem.
There isn’t really anything I can do about my depression. It will be lifelong and a constant struggle to work against. Some people’s baseline is just low.
Don’t recall discovering anything, but maybe I did and then forgot it because my memory is terrible. I think I mostly just liked having someone to talk to.
