I need sleep
Burn the baguettes to boil water that spins a turbine that generates electricity.
I’m running on 4 hours sleep for the past 2-3 days so forgive me if this makes no sense. I’m going to see if I can find it in my enormous vault of bullshit but I remember seeing a tumblr post ages ago about humans in space. I love those things. Where humans are dealing with aliens and they’re confused by us or vice versa. There was one of an engineer talking to an alien after first contact and they’re discussing technology. It gets to what they use to go FTL and power their ships. Insanely complicated tech and then the alien finishes it with “and then it boils water which spins a turbine that generates electricity” and the engineer just starts screaming and smashing his head off of a bulkhead.
Edit: Well that was fucking easy. Still not sure this is the one I’m thinking of though.
Go to bed.
Apparently I just managed to beat you to it with my edit. Mwahahaha. Even sleep deprived my 70k memes cannot slow me down.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Nope. The world is more entertaining with you still in it.
I was inspired.
Edit: I also got bored and decided to record a mini ‘audiobook’ version real quick.
If you wanna listen to my dumb ass read my own writing - Click Here.
Alarms suddenly flash, plunging the room into a deep red glow. The two security officers bolt up, the remnants of their conversation instantly evaporating from memory.
“ALL AVAILABLE OFFICERS. REPORT TO ENGINEERING.”
The two exchange confused looks before grabbing their sidearm and heading out the door. The pulsating red glow of the alarms is constant and seems to keep pace with each footstep. All three tapping in a quick unison. The gleam of the hallways is definitely muted during any alert stance. Hard to tell the majesty of organic glass or a perfectly mopped floor when the lighting is brought down to about 25%. Ghymm hissed to himself that he’d have to file another complaint and get it increased to 28% at the very least. “I will fucking flashbang you, I swear to whatever a Christ is.” Evidently Bhawwb had heard. Suddenly those evaporated memories came back from earlier.
“If you mention the lighting levels again…”
“BUT THEY’RE AWFUL!”
“We’re on a spaceship. Tense things happen. Low lighting is useful. Shut up about the low lighting.”
“BUT IT LOOKS BAD.”
“AND IT MAKES FUNCTIONAL SENSE, SHUT UP GHYMM.”
“And just how does me being unable to see shit make sense? Especially when then you can’t see all the fucking chore work I did.”
“Mostly it just makes sense to me. You wouldn’t get it. And maybe you wouldn’t have to do so much bitchwork if you didn’t bother the Captain with your incessant whining about how the ‘mood lighting’ harshes your ‘vibe’?”
“… First of all, rude. Second, makes sense to you how?”
“Well that way you won’t see my boot coming when I shove it up your cloac-”
With memories caught up to the present, the screaming of the alarm in reality signaled it was indeed time to snap back to it before gravity went whoops. Both officers continued down the hall before a set of large opaque doors slid open. Silently. None of this namby-pamby human shit of specifically having the doors make noises that are as quiet as possible. Fungorian doors are the best doors in the quadrant, they’d have you know. Doors that are so good they’re able to contain the unholy and inhuman screeching of a, well, human that has been beset upon by the gods of engineering and the damned. That is, until said set of Fungorian doors decides to open for two security officers that are bickering about a brightness value.
“Ohm-munching, capacitor-crapping, resistor-licking, diode-diddling, quantum-queefing GARBAGE!”
Ghymm and Bhawwb both stick their heads in through the open doorway just as an item that looks suspiciously like a monkey wrench sails an inch in front of their face. They pull their heads back into the hallway.
"I’ve spent years, YEARS, getting electrocuted by pissy little stupid volts and soldering my dumb human fingers together to figure out something better, and you’re out here still running the same fucking tea kettle just with extra steps?!
For the next 10 seconds they both stand, frozen, staring into the open doorway. Either one of two things was happening. Option one was that a set of various tools that once belonged to a human had become possesed with the soul of said humans. Hauntings were supposedly a thing. Just recently they had both seen a documentary film about a man being trapped in a large rich persons abode with many such dwellers that dare not move on. Such a common thing was it on Earth that all humans who were watching just seemed to laugh. Clearly a defense mechanism. Then again, option two was that a very angry human was just throwing shit around. Hoping (mostly) for the second, the two officers stepped in.
In the corner were two people. One Human, one Fungorian. Both wearing an engineering uniform. The human was kneeling with some archaic implement in his hand his head bumping against the ceiling, gesturing wildly with it while standing over the Fungorian, cowering on the floor, taking shelter against a wall. A wall that Bhawwb just knew Ghymm was thinking looked awful in this lighting. He was. It does.
“I… I don’t know what you mean!”
“YOU’RE JUST BOILING FUCKING WATER.”
“Yes!”
“WHY?”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!”
“WHY DON’T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER! WHERE IS THE ELEMENT ZERO. WHERE IS ELEMENT 710. WHERE IS A FUCKING TARDIS CORE OR SOMETHING. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING WATER!”
The two officers look at each other, unsure of how to proceed in taking down the human that was, after all, several times larger than they were. Bhawbb nodded to Ghymm in a very particular way. The type of way one might nod when they’re saying "Take out your sidearm, set it to stun, and HIT HIM. Ghymm nodded back in a less particular way, one usually just used for all varieties of “Yep.”
"JOULE-SNIFFING, WATT-WHORE TURBINE FUCKERY! GODDAMN STEAM-FARTING, VALVE-TWISTING, PISS-HEATED PIECE OF SHIT!
The human raised his implement once more towards the machinery, ready to do God knows what. As it turns out, God didn’t know what and was in-fact watching with extreme fascination. Ghymm, less fascinated and more terrorized, took out his sidearm and pointed it to the skyscraper sized human. He fumbled with the buttons, applying the seemingly correct stun setting and then pulled the trigger. The human instantly vaporized in a puff of smoke, leaving his gargantuan tool floating in the air for a moment before falling down and squishing the no-longer-threatened-but-maybe-a-little-threatened-afterall Fungorian engineer. A long pause hovers in the air, filled only by the alarm backing track of the room.
“What the fuck GHYMM?! I SAID SET IT TO STUN!”
“I hit the wrong button! I mean… maybe I wouldn’t have if we were up to at least 28% brightness…”
Firstly, this is fantastic. Did you write it?
Secondly, it’s like the hidden, secret love child of Douglas Adams and Iain Banks’ culture series, that spent weekends with a coked out Terry Pratchett, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever read
I did write it. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s that good… Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors though. Glad some of that poked through.
The human raised his implement once more towards the machinery, ready to do God knows what. As it turns out, God didn’t know what and was in-fact watching with extreme fascination.
I love this, this is my favorite line. Very Pratchett-esque.
Honestly, that’s tied for my favorite too. That or the “squishing the no-longer-threatened-but-maybe-a-little-threatened-afterall Fungorian engineer” line.
I’m glad you got a kick out of it <3
Care to repost to !hfy@lemmy.world?
Why not. Done.
All superpowers and magic can in some way be used to create perpetual energy machines.
Another way to do this without carbon would be to just summon them high up and sad they fall they spin turbines. Though you’d end up with a ton of baguettes and nothing to do with them
First drop then burn. You’re back to carbon but you double the efficiency (might not be double I’m not a psychic)
Enter a homeless shelter each morning. Do my thing. Walk out a richer man than I was when I walked in.
Not all gain is monetary
I assassinate people by summoning baguettes in their lungs.
We thought they would use this power to end world hunger, but it only took them 7 hours to weaponize it
Can’t be hungry if they are dead!
Breadbane the Yeastman always rises!
I eat a lot of French toast.
My kids get breakfast on demand.
Feeding the homeless.
And if you park in the bike lane with your window open, you’re getting a very crumby backseat.
I was going to go with unlimited French Toast, but as the price of chicken eggs approaches Fabergé eggs, that may not work out.
Switching to garlic bread, croutons, and
croque madamedang it!There has to be a pretty good vegan french toast recipe somewhere for inspiration on egg replacement.
You mad genius, that could work!
A quick look shows cheap and plentiful cornstarch and ground flaxseed may do the trick! I’d eat that…
I use silken tofu, corn starch (bird’s custard powder) and oat milk as the basis for bread pudding. I assume it would also work for French toast.
The custard powder sounds like a great idea.
I have never used silken tofu. I like the firm stuff, but never knew what to do with the silken.
Blending it will give you something that’s roughly the texture of a milkshake. If you cook it for a long time, you can get some liquid out to make things like egg bites, but I prefer to either use it as the basis for sauces or puddings or to strain it and break it up manually to sautee it in a tofu scramble.
The soybean is one amazing thing!
I’ve made homemade tofu a few times before, and while I can’t do it in a large enough scale to be worth it, it is absolutely delicious! Even my old hound dog would be in the kitchen drooling more than I’d ever seen her for anything else while I cooked it. It was easy, cheap, and pretty fun making it curdle, but it’s also messy, uses a lot of things to clean, and takes a bit of time.
If the ability has some range, become the weirdest assassin ever as I summon baguettes inside folks windpipes, lungs, hearts, and/or skulls.
Can you do this to all the billionaires?
I don’t use it for personal gain.
I give away infinite free bread, and get arrested and jailed forever.
No more giving money to homeless people. You get a stale baguette. Best of luck to you.
Ah damn. They stopped the Challenge where you get 1 Million USD if you can prove you have Paranormal Powers.
Pass myself off as Jesus Christ
All good until someone expects you to do the same with wine and fish.
I’d just say something preachy and berate them for not being content and convinced with just the bread
Non alcoholic vegan Jesus lools down upon you.
I’d make a fuckload of croutons
The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please don’t the fuck go blind by making moonshine with your daily staley.
Become a French toast master
… I’d summon a few billion directly overlapping the physical space of a corrupt politician. If outdoors, in a tall column directly above, preferably several tons worth per capita.
Some choice people from this list I have would also receive a suborbital baguette infusion.
The downside is trying to deal with the stale fallout and subsequent mess the pummeled flesh and dough would leave after… Birds everywhere would go nuts.
ORBITAL BAGUETTE STRIKE!!
I become king of Dad Jokes.
-Dream transition effect-
-Clears throat to someone-
What do you do after getting your groceries?
-summons baguette-
You baguette !
🥖
Hey, so I’m very positive somewhere near you is a doorway of some type. Would you kindly walk through it, and leave?
Unlimited garlic bread, yay!
