• Battle Masker@lemmy.world
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    6 months ago

    This post comes up every so often, and every time either I, or someone else, reminds people that one of the Bible’s biggest stories is that of Jesus washing Mary Magdalene’s feet. Mary Magdalene was a “street walker” at the time, which is old times speak for hooker, thus making him a feet guy

    • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world
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      6 months ago

      He washed all the disciples feet ;)

      Maybe it was like a Tarentino thing. You work with this guy for years and feet keep coming up so one day you ask him and he’s like “yeah ok, I’ve got a foot thing but it’s a personal thing” and you leave it at that but then you remember at the start of your career doing foot photos with him and you’re too embarrassed to ask but you always wonder…

      • A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world
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        6 months ago

        No, washing feet was a common thing - they wore sandals or walked barefoot most of the time, it was a common hygiene practice. It was just a task for “submissive”-classed people - the wife would wash the husband’s feet, and so on.

        Jesus was subverting social norms in multiple ways.

    • MissJinx@lemmy.world
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      6 months ago

      Agreed he had an obsession with washing peoples feet. As I see it, as an evolved and enlightened human he was probably a pan sexual with a feet washing fetish

    • Snowclone@lemmy.world
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      6 months ago

      You gotta be careful though, because the Bible basically called every woman that is featured in it a whore. A lot of this is actually more modern translation stuff, clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description

    • frezik@midwest.social
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      6 months ago

      There’s nothing that points to Mary Magdalene being a prostitute. She’s conflated with another character who was, but they aren’t directly connected in the text.

  • I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world
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    6 months ago

    Well there are several stories in the Bible about Jesus riding an ass, but none about Jesus riding boobs. So I think it’s safe to say Jesus was an ass man.

  • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world
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    6 months ago

    As the WORD of God he’s the source of Proverbs and Song of Solomon so…

    Her: Dark am I, yet lovely, because I am darkened by the sun - Song of Solomon 1

    so… tanned

    works with eager hands… her arms are strong for her tasks - Proverbs 31

    … toned forearms …

    Her: Like an apple[c] tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste - Song of Solomon 2

    … not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital fellatio …

    Her: strengthen me with raisins

    … … … nutrition aware(?) …

    Her: I am … a lily of the valley … My beloved … browses among the lilies

    … not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital cunnilingus … (see also 4:16)

    Him: Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. 3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely - Song of Solomon 4

    … mysterious eyes … flowing hair … no missing teeth (lol) … red lips …

    Him: Your breasts are like two fawns

    … young(?), pert, nimble breasts …

    Him: You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water

    looks at camera

    Her: Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere

    … … my bro was definitely into some sensory stuff …

    Her: My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. - Song of Solomon 5

    (authors of erotic lit take note, this is your lord and god speaking)

    Him: I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. - Song of Solomon 6

    … so … pubescent? hey, could be worse …

    Him: Your graceful legs are like jewels - Song of Solomon 7

    … legs guy! …

    Him: Your breasts are like two fawns

    … breasts again! …

    Him: your breasts like clusters of fruit

    … breasts mention number 3 …

    Him: May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine

    … #4 …

    breasts … like towers - Song of Solomon 8

    … #5 …

    I think you can draw your own conclusions.

    Thank you for coming to my TED talk

    • qyron@sopuli.xyz
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      6 months ago

      I want to commend you for some sort of prize. I can’t upvote twice but I would if I could. Nice!

      p.s

      I’m going to take a risk and say the comparison to fawns implies not very big breast but well defined and not very much parted.

    • frezik@midwest.social
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      6 months ago

      By my very fundamentalist upbringing, this was all supposedly a metaphor for God’s love of the nation of Israel. Which is exactly the sort of “reading between the lines” that they said you weren’t supposed to do.

      It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.

      no missing teeth (lol)

      More remarkable than you think without modern dental care.

      • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world
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        6 months ago

        It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.

        hans landa: that’s a bingo

        also, not even necessarily horny, just far far less prudish, all the sensory stuff associated with sex was just far more normal

    • MonkderVierte@lemmy.ml
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      6 months ago

      Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

      Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.

      Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.

      Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?

    • Cataphract@lemmy.ml
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      6 months ago

      I second the boob analysis (ass myself). The whole having his feet washed and with their hair means he was probably looking down the shirt. An ass man would have them washing their own feet. Of course, it could be neither and just a foot fetish thing instead.

    • TheEighthDoctor@lemmy.world
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      6 months ago

      tells about a fragment of a manuscript of an apocryphal gospel that says

      Aren’t those Gnostic texts and therefore not Christian cannon?

  • Midnight Wolf@lemmy.world
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    6 months ago

    Boobs? Ass? Ew. He was clearly a dong man. That whole bit about parting the sea? He actually just whipped out his gigantic cock and created a bridge with it.

    • OutlierBlue@lemmy.ca
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      6 months ago

      Pretty sure that was a different guy. Both had giant dongs they could part water with, but the Red Sea was definitely Moses.

  • SPRUNT@lemmy.world
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    6 months ago

    It’s a tough question, to be sure. I mean, we can look through the book for hints about it here and there, but I think the best way is to look at the followers who are closest to him. That said… Pedophile. Jesus was definitely a pedophile.

  • Jo Miran@lemmy.ml
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    6 months ago

    Homie travelled alone with twelve guys that he loved and they truly loved him back. He never made a pass at Mary Magdalene, and when Judas sold him out he sealed Jesus’s fate with a kiss.

    Jesus was definitely an ass man.