Fair warning, I’m completely new and I’m not sure what’s going to happen with me putting the URL as a song I’m listening to right now lol. ^_ (Hopefully you like it if it lets you listen to it somehow or just plays while you read. :) )

Umm, this is going to quite a read everyone. The subject probably won’t be liked, I dislike it myself but I need to talk about it.

If I didn’t spend 2+ hours writing all that I’m about to put though, I’d simply tell you that 13 years of trying to not be lonely hasn’t been working well for and that I want to know how to make it so it’s never like that again.

With just this age of 27 I haven’t had much good happen. I’ve lost a lot. Not to start a pity party, as much as I hate that dismissive saying, but I’m mostly wanting it to be known. I’m far from happy and it’s because I was abandoned as a kid, it’s because my Mother was raped and forced to have me, it’s because of my Mother died with all of my sisters all together, it’s because because I’m somewhat autistic, it’s because of how I’m pretty ugly, it’s because of …everything.

The abandonment, the rape, the raping, the deaths, how I am myself; it all is shit. It all sucks so much more than any word could tell.

My Brother dying last almost a year ago now… do you think that’s helping me with this all? How about the way women like to treat me? (Or, wait, that’s one of the things I wanted to show!)

-Here’s the true start to my post, just so you all know.- ^_

(My mood’s nearly always bad, but I wrote this all that follows while in a really bad time. Some things I kind of regret putting and there are parts that might seem harmful, I promise that’s not what I was wanting to do)

-I feel safe enough assuming that the people here like being in a relationship. I feel safe assuming that most people here have been in at least one if not many more than that.

Also is there those, like me, who hasn’t been able to get even one if their life so far. To all those with this going on, I’m sorry that you know how it is and what it’s like. It’s… well, hurts in a very special type of way. I’m sorry that you personally know about it.

& If you happen to be like me, who has no family, no friends or people to even speak to really…

Well, you can guess how and what that’s like. Pretty much everyone’ll know loneliness but, for most, it’s just an absence of a partner that makes them feel alone. Generally they still have friends. Generally they still have parents. Generally they still have family. Generally most people do seem to look pretty good, which’ll help them most of their issues of loneliness.

But… What about those orphans that can’t attract anyone? The friendless and those that don’t have family; I measure their sadness would be one that’s quite stark, The things like those are so easy to spot; but I think this would be only if your experience is the same.

For some, I bet it’s every single day that they get new attention. new interest, new matches and new messages. Moreso for women than dudes, but I include them too.

I hear women talk about just using their accounts for a confidence boost (I guess it is some kind of nice to know that you have a few hundred/thousand people interested in you and wanting to talk to you + whatever other fun. It beats 13 years going by with only getting like maybe 7 matches and 10 messages + 0 dates/relationships)

I see bios about comatose partners of certain women that want to have fun while their boyfriend can’t know. Mostly though, I see bios that don’t even have anything. + There’s these women that don’t even show any pictures of themselves.

Would you like to know what they all have in common and what they have over me though? Each and everyone would do better than I. Not even one would go 13 years of trying to date or be in a relationship without it happening. especially women.

On that hand where dates and interested swarms and banished loneliness are stands another beside, but instead of the one that has nice things that only others are allowed, let’s speak about what my hand shows now. (some figurativity here, don’t think too hard about it and take it literally)

-A … rejection? (Let’s call it the modern kind, I guess, where the person asked just doesn’t even say anything… Pretty shitty that’s even a thing if I may say, for some reason I bet they don’t like it much when someone they really like won’t even say anything to them) So the first attempt, this try of mine, didn’t go too well. It makes me sad, but I’m not mad about this one or anything. Sad that she couldn’t speak is how I am.

-This second person was one of the closest I’ve ever been to having something actually happen. However…Well, she moved away, supposedly.

(the story, highly shortened)

We spoke for most of a certain night, spoke about meeting up the next day, and a plan was made. It was really sudden honestly, but it made me pretty happy. That next day, when we were supposed to meet though she messages me about an hour before, after I get fully ready and everything all of a sudden I get some message saying that she doesn’t know if she wants to meet up still. Supposedly some other guy that she had over for the morning was really creepy and it made her not want to chance meeting with me anymore for fear that I was/could be creepy too.

The reason was understandable to me, most of my fun comes from the fun that others are having and it clearly wasn’t the best time for something to happen.

I really just wanted her to feel better again and have things be like how they were going for us.

Now, I’m not sure if everything, or nearly everything was a lie. Of what she said about it. It could’ve just been that the morning dude was far better than I so she aborted me away, Better looking, more like what she’s after, rich, who the hell knows, but I wonder the reasons and I wonder the exacts.

I guess it’s time for what was really hurtful here. after she talks about this morning dude being really creepy, I asked if she’d like to possibly set up another hangout, whicever day and whenever she’d like. Months or whatever from now I told her I’d wait.

She just said no and that there’s something else in a different city that she wants to date.

…None of these make me feel great, but this one just feels tormenting. I don’t know if it was some kind of game or just bad luck on my end, or if all was actual truth.

I feel like the one hurt most by it all though, I mean, it’s terrible to say, but she was able to spare some mega-creep some time and let him in her house and basically gives me the middle finger he earned.

I feel slighted, I guess.

Now… well, she told me she’s moving away and I haven’t heard anyhting back from my wishes of wellness for that.

…

the humour I often see seems to mostly be harm. It’s what people find funny for some reason. Most seem to take emotional harm lightly and as a joke but what does getting orphaned to do someone? Is it physical, or is the effect mental/emotional?

When a village is bombed, and all the people die, the ones you know, the ones you didn’t, and you end up the only person alive… The pain there, is it physical or is it mental/emotional?

What I want seen here is how hurting feelings and thinking nothing of it really makes you quite atrocious; you’re quite like anyone who drone strikes or kamikazes a place.

A Warlord is what you’re like if you find hurt feelings, pain, and suffering enjoyable or if you don’t see wrong in it.

What makes me speak this all is the next “relationships”.

-This third woman was so so gorgeous, omg… It really hurts me knowing that she doesn’t want anything to do with me.

To me, she was what perfect could look like and she brandished it all so well. I only heard her voice maybe 3 times but I really wish I could’ve heard it in person at least once. The moon on her face was so pretty too…

What was it that happened between us? Well, super simply, we spoke for about a week, she said that she likes my weird vibe, likes what I say, She didn’t like how much I would write though, it caused problems for her so I spared her my usual and gave her what she wanted.

But… 2 days before my birthday she sends me a a few photos , asks me a question which honestly I hate to say that I forget, and then suddenly says as I prepare myself for a few pictures for her “okay… listen, we don’t really have much in common and I don’t like the vibe between us”

… That’s where this one died. I’m not sure what hurts me the most with this one. One thing I do want to say though is I don’t know how she can determine whether we have much in common or not when she never really would say much and never really talked about herself.

This one… it made me mad when it happened I won’t lie about that. Sad too, my anger about it is mostly gone though and it’s sadness now

I personally feel like some better looking dude came along; this lady was clearly a model and I can’t describe her properly. She was wondrous, let’s say that.

I really would have liked to have actually know her, It torments me that that’s not what she wanted though.

(For you sadistic people and pretty much everyone else too I guess; you’ll love this one. If it’s happened to you, how’d it make you feel, if I may ask? It made me want to call tall buildings my friend, honestly… The others, with nothing like that going on, how do you think